Round 8

Going to the Oncology Department is a whirlwind of emotions because the patients there are all dealing with some form of chronic disease.  The department straddles the line between hope or fear, the known and unknown,  happiness or depression, and eventually life or death.  Each time you walk through the door you are one side of the line or questioning where you think you should be.  I know I have said over and over again that the only thing I have control over with cancer is my attitude and it is never more true than when you sit down in your infusion chair to get stuck with another hit of chemotherapy.

Each patient is different: a different location that the cancer is located, a different type and stage.  All of this plays into the expected outcome of your prognosis and the types of medicines you will receive.  My time in the infusion chair has only brought me face to face with one other patient that had breast cancer.  I find it ironic with how prevalent the disease is.  She was 62, stage 1, HER2+ and lucky enough to have had a tiny tumor that was removed by a lumpectomy.  That was my second round. Since that round I have met quite a few fellow cancer warriors all battling different types.  The most common seems to be in the colon that metastasizes to the liver or lungs...one of the people I have run into a few times is Josephina.  Her cancer has spread to her lungs.  The first time I  met her she was a ray of sunshine.  She is 72 years old, has the cutest Spanish accent (think Selma Hyack), and is stage 4.

Most often the infusions take a few hours so if you are chatty, which I MIGHT be, you get to know others pretty quickly.  Josephina thought she was going to die immediately.  Yet, here we are 3 years after her diagnosis and she is hanging on.  When we first met months ago she explained she was hoping to get approved for a clinical trial of a new target chemo drug.  This would be similar to what I am know taking, Herceptin, but for the tumors growing in her lungs specifically.  She was very excited about this and was heading to Walnut Creek that next week for testing. Yesterday when I sat down in my infusion chair Josephina was in the opposite one.  I was so excited!  We hadn't seen each other in a few rounds and I was anxious to find out how she was doing with the trial.  Unfortunately I found out she was not eligible for the trial.

Cancer is a fickle beast.  It does its damnedest to take over your body and you do your damnedest to prevent it from being able to spread.  The majority of clinic trials do not want patients that have cancers that have spread, or if they have spread are too close to end of life.  Josephina was in both of those categories so it prevented her for getting accepted.  Her once infectious laughter was gone yesterday.  She was so depressed and I could tell that she had given up.  I sat there and felt like a complete jerk.  I was getting the type of drug cancer patients are all hoping to get.  It reminded me of the movie about Herceptin, Living Proof, when the patients mom is hysterical and begging the doctor to get her daughter back on the trial before she dies.  I don't take for granted that I am lucky to be HER2+, lucky to have Herceptin, not something I thought at the start of this unbelievable journey...as Josephina and I talked I did find out that they had switched her cocktail and it was shrinking her tumors in her lungs.  That was exciting to me and I did my best to get her to realize that but she can't let go of not getting a target therapy medicine.

It is hard sometimes to sit in that infusion chair.  First it was because of the unknown; how was I going to respond, how sick would I be.  Then it was hard because I knew what was going to happen and I just did not want to sit back down.  Now it is hard because I know the people sitting next to me in those chairs and I wonder every time I leave if I will ever see them again.  Yesterday when I left Josephina I gave her a hug and told her to "be strong" and "don't give up", things everyone says to someone with cancer as if we have any control over if or when it will come back to end our lives and it just felt like so little.

My heart just hurts.  Round 8 was hard because of I came to the realization that I may start to lose some of these people that I have come to love.  I don't know why this hit me so hard yesterday after I left. 

This disease is loathsome.  I can say that cancer has infiltrated every aspect of my life and nothing is sacred to it.  That , the way it spreads in and out of the body is why this disease just sucks.  If it doesn't get you, then it gets the people next to you. I'm beyond frustrated.  I told Josephina I would be back in three weeks and I better see her then.  My fingers are crossed she will be there.   

Avon's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer

About a week and a half ago I decided that I wanted to participate in a local breast cancer awareness walk.  The driving force behind this decision was my kids, especially Emmy.  For the past three weeks she has been asking Scott if I am going to die.  Neither him or I know what is causing her to suddenly ask this question when she has never asked it before.  Nevertheless it was obviously something she couldn't get out of her mind.

This is hands down is the worst part of this entire crummy situation.  I remember right after telling Scott they thought it was cancer that I wished we didn't have kids.  My mind was consumed with how this would forever change their childhood and wanting to protect them from it, from me, and not being able to do that.  Knowing that I was the one that was going to be causing them pain...it was and is devastating.  I hoped that by doing the walk my kids might be able to see other women out there alive and thriving.  Deep down I hoped there was going to be a group of young mom's with their kids walking and it would help alleviate some of the fears my three have that aren't always voiced to me.  

So I signed up and decided to create a team.  I call my little family Biedermann Crew (hence the name of the blog) so we stuck with that for the walk.  My kids were pretty excited and opted to do the walk versus the last day of their final swim meet for the extended season.  I put a link up on social media and said join if you want!  By race day we had over 30 people signed up for our team and many more that reached out to me to say they were walking with us in spirit because they were not going to be able to be there.  Below is a picture of our team on the day of the walk.

The picture shows what great support my children have with all the cousins and friends that made it out to walk with me.  This group of kids warm my heart so much.  Each of them was in breast cancer gear from socks and bracelets to dyed pink hair and scarves, it was wonderful to see.   If a picture speaks a thousand words then all that visible support was worth a million.  

My estimate is that there was around 300 people there.  Above is a snapshot of us as the walk started.  Below are pictures I took with my "teammates".  You see and hear the saying all the time after a cancer diagnosis, "NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE".  Man is that true!  It is definitely eye opening to see what people gather round to help you and who doesn't...thankfully my circle is large and at times too supportive!

My youngest sister Alexa and her two kids.  They went straight to church after so they were very fancy for the walk!  Below is my brother Dave, SIL Alli and their baby Carter.  He was born at the exact moment I was told the imagining was showing cancer.  It is a reminder that with every bit of bad news comes good.  He is precious.

This is Rob and Devin Fasani and their sweet family of girls with my cray kids mashed in.  Devin has been such a great friend to have made a few years back when we joined the Ripon Sea Lion swim team.  I treasure her friendship and that friendship our children have created.   Rob and her are such examples of strength both physical, spirit and emotional.

My youngest brother James. SIL Lu and their two boys Zander and Jaxson.   Zander is my fourth kid for sure.  The day I can hold him without needing a break again is going to be the best day!

Next is Janet.  My girl that I only got to know through Scotty's work.  I tell her all the time I wish we had come into each other's lives earlier!  I adore her, her wife, her parents, her boys, damn her whole family with my entire heart.  We anxiously await her arrival back to California every year because life is just better with more Roger and La Belle in it.

Misty.  Oh vey this is the first person outside of my family I told about my diagnosis.  The irony is we would never have met if it weren't for our children.  Best friend Brody ever made because I got this girl in my life.  She is my rock and I don't know what I would have done without her.

Ashi and Sindi Sheth are pretty much my older brother and sister.  They have been members of our family for over 20 years now.  Sindi has type 1 diabetes and couldn't walk with us but they came and parked chairs at the finish line to cheer us home.  Best non-family family members ever!

The Thurmon's: Kris, Tim, Niko, Jacob and Noah have been buds of ours since Reyna was in preschool.  We followed each other to elementary school after that and even got to share a few years having kids in the same class.  Tim was also my girls tball coach for two years.  This family is just FUN.  If you want someone to keep your spirits up, a constant cheerleader, just need a little bit of sunshine, this your family.  I am so glad I didn't lose them when we moved because it would break my heart. 

I guess I don't have a picture of the Navonators and me but I do have one of their family and then one of Kris and I.  We met when Brody and Oliver were just turning 1.  The boys became instant friends and really the rest is history.  Through the boys being in different sports, different schools, and different cities it has not weakened their friendship or ours. 

Then my parents.  It was not easy for them to do the walk but they made it the entire way for me!  

Last of all was my family.

It was a really emotional experience for me.  My feet are still red and swollen.  I am unable to put anything on them.  You can see in the full body shots that I did the entire event in my flip flops because of the foot issues.  Also because of how painful they are I walked at a ridiculously slow pace.  My mom was so worried she borrowed a wheelchair from a friend for me.  I am 37 years old and used to be the pretty damn fit, there was no way I was not going to finish this event on my own two feet.   And I did it.  I might have been hobbling the next few days but it was worth it!

Ultimately I did this to show my kids that we are not alone.  That there are so many people out there that are lifting us up.  This walk also helped to find the fun in this situation.  They had so much being silly with their buddies.  There was so much laughter and dancing that I think I was either smiling or crying the entire time.  

To those that donated to my team, thank you!  To those that walked beside me, thank you!  To those reading this because they are going through something like me hang in there sisters and surround yourself with people as great as the ones I wrote about in this post.  It makes such a big difference.

If you want to donate to my team please use this link Biedermann Crew

Round 7

So I'm a little over a week out of round 7, the round that was without the really hard chemo, and I am a bit of a mess...

It all started out great.  First with only one medicine being infused I should have been there about an hour and opted to go alone from here on out.  As I informed Scott, I am a big girl, a bad ass that is killing cancer, I don't need a man (I am full of shit, I need him something fierce).  However do to a shortage of nurses, and the pharmacy being backed up, I was there closer to two and a half hours.  Totally fine.  Let's be clear I would wait double that to get my medicine. 

From here on out I am getting Herceptin infusions.  This is a target therapy specific to HER2+ breast cancer.  As I have said on here numerous times without this drug being created women with HER2+ cancers were dying from it at every stage.  I want this medicine like a fat kid wants cake.  I also want cake, chocolate cake.  But seriously this medicine is amazing.  There is a good movie called "Living Proof" staring Harry Connick Jr in it as the doctor that created it and the struggles he had to get it developed it.  You can also read a little more about it at this link here for herceptin.

I decided to put both because if you look REAL close you can see a small amount of peach fuzz on my scalp.  Herceptin does not make you lose your hair because it specifically goes in and searches for HER2+ cells versus the other two drugs I was on that just kill everything.  As upsetting as losing my hair was in the beginning I am pretty much fine with it now.  Most days I just rock the bald head.  My kids however are anxiously awaiting the day I have hair again.  I believe in their young minds it will mean I am healed and healthy.

We have been very open and honest about my cancer and treatments with the kids.  I would like to think that this has helped them deal with it as well as they have because they are amazing.  When we talked to them about this next phase of infusions the hair coming back was what got them most excited but all three asked if I was still not going to be able to eat and have to go the bathroom all the time.  I try very hard to be honest with them so I told them that for now we didn't know.  That most likely I would be in the bathroom but hopefully no more mouth sores or weird issues with taste.  When I dropped the kids off at school before my infusion Brody grabbed this StarWars sticker out of his backpack and stuck it on my leg.  He said it was for good luck and that I would have the "force" to not get sick.  I know it is completely silly but I started at that sticker for almost the entire two and a half hours.

So here is the update on how I have been feeling since the infusion!  Honestly it is a bit unsettling to still feel icky after this infusion when nurses, my oncologist and all the reading I have done suggests Herceptin alone is pretty "easy" in comparison to the treatments that just kill everything.  Not that you care to know this but I still have diarrhea.  Actually it comes and goes.  When it goes it is replaced by gut wrenching constipation that makes you long for the diarrhea to come back.  After the diarrhea comes back you wish it hadn't and pray for the constipation.  It is a vicious cycle that I hope comes to an end soon.

Another area I thought might ease up is how lethargic I have been.  So far this is the same.  It is hard to tell if it is from the actual medicine or just my body trying to heal itself.  I really have no idea at this point. 

A new side effect (like my rash that was some what mysterious and less common) is red, swollen , burning, painful toes. 

This is not the best picture and you might have to zoom in, sorry!  A few days ago my big toe started to hurt.  I assumed I was getting a toe infection and contacted my primary care physician.  He prescribed an antibiotic and off I went thinking all would be fine in a day or two.  Fast forward a few days and now all the toes on the left foot look like the big toe and as of today half of the toes on the right foot too.  Obviously this is not an infection so I contacted my oncologist.  She said she needed to see my actual nail so I took off all the polish yesterday and sent her a picture.  Her response was she doesn't know.  There is hand and foot syndrome that is common for cancer patients but typically not when on targeted medicines alone..I feel like any weird side effect that is possible I get.  At this point the antibiotics have done nothing.  I can't put on anything but a flip flop and if even the sheet rubs on my feet I whimper.  Cookie, my 5 pound dog, stepped on them today and I broke down crying.  It is so stupid that this is a side effect I have!  Now I am bald, with rock hard expander fake boobs, limit eyebrows and eyelashes, a bloated stomach thanks to chemopause,  15 extra pounds (we are not even getting into that at this point), severe issues in the bathroom, AND I walk funny on toes that are blood red...I GIVE UP!  Seriously if the Lord wanted to make sure that cancer treatment effected every part of this Earthly body: from my head (bald now) to my toes (burning and in excruciating pain) I can say with 100% certainty that we are there.  Nothing has been missed.  Perhaps from this moment on things will be less miserable????

6 months

One of the saddest things about this whole thing, my getting cancer, is that I found out at the exact moment my nephew was born.  I am sure this is repetitive but each month on my nephew's monthly birthday I am notified of how long it has been since receiving my diagnosis.  It is bittersweet for me but also a great reminder that life goes on and with every moment of intense joy, someone, somewhere, is experiencing the exact opposite.  Why I am bringing this up?  Because on my facebook feed yesterday was an adorable picture of my nephew on his 6 month birthday which means it has been six months since I found out I had cancer.  

My life changed beyond comprehension after those words left the radiologists mouth, I went from being healthy to having a "chronic illness" (that is what they call cancer now, sounds less scarier according to one nurse).  Since then I have undergone 5 mammograms, 7 ultrasounds, 5 surgeries, countless pokes and prods for blood, 3 echocardiograms, 7 expanders fills, 2 allergic reactions, as of yesterday 7 rounds of chemo, and I am not done yet.  Cancer is exhausting.

Between my last round and most recent round I finally got the mouth sores everyone talks about during chemo.  I guess technically I did get one my first round but it went away rather quickly.  Now I know that is because my body had the ability to fight them off.  This time it didn't.  My entire mouth, gums, throat, and tongue had sores on it.  Let me tell you those things HURT.  Best way to describe them is like a canker sore on acid.  Everything hurts them: food, liquid, cold, heat, salt, sugar, you name it.  They prescribe you this stuff called magic mouthwash which is fabulous but only lasts for a short amount of time.   For me it numbed my mouth so intensely that I couldn't stop drooling.  Just one more reason not to leave my house.  

Once those finally cleared up I got this weird blood blister in my mouth. Since Lu (my sister-in-law) is a dental hygienist I sent her a picture.  Freaked me out a bit because I had not bit my mouth.  She explained to me why I probably had it in medical terms but basically it all boils down to my body being too damn weak to take care of itself.  You can also see the lovely scars on my cheeks from that allergic rash I got with my first chemo in this picture.

Another fun thing that I took a picture of the other day was my hand.  About 4 days after my last chemo I hit my hand on something.  It was a completely unremarkable experience.  

Honestly don't know what I hit, how, or when just that it was suddenly there. I put neosporin on it and a bandaid as often as I could thinking it would speed up the healing process since my white blood count and platelets are on hiatus.  Since then it has been this weird wound that won't heal.  Then yesterday it finally turned into a dry-ish scab!  That is almost 3 weeks from when I first got it.  I've decided this means that my body may finally have enough energy to start healing itself (know that my fingers are crossed as I type that).