Keep Your Clothes On

It really is a pretty special day when I get to keep my clothes on for a medical procedure and that is exactly what I got to do on my birthday!  It really was a treat.  I was able to choose if I wanted to be put to sleep for the procedure and I opted not to do that.  With all the other surgeries I have needed over the last year it seemed unnecessary if I was not required.  So Wednesday my mom and I headed off to the oral surgeon.

I think that might have been the highlight of my birthday.  How often do we get to spend our entire birthday with our mom (of course not being able to drive is what forced her to stay with me but I think she enjoys hanging out with me too)? 

The doctor was very cool and let me take a few pictures before and after the procedure.  First I got the required lollipop of numbing.

Then I had to hold open my mouth for the nurse to touch all around and make sure that everything was numb enough to get all the shots.  Last time I will get a picture of this thing in my mouth, HOORAY!

After that they brought in the tray of tools to get started....

The estimated length of the procedure was thirty minutes to one hour.  They really had no idea how long it was going to take until they got in there and started digging around.  At first the guess was that the "thing" was a blocked saliva gland.  However, as the doctor started the procedure and began removing it he said he felt like it was a type of fibroid cyst.  Still this was not something he was overly concerned about, I guess that is good but really I am winging it with this entire new development.  Inside the jar is the "thing" they took out of me.  He was funny when I asked if I could get a picture of it he said, "I don't care you grew it!"  Makes me wish I was awake during my mastectomy surgeries so that I could have had a picture of the three biggest tumors inside me.  Gross but I would have loved to have seen them.

In a little less than forty minutes I was stitched up and ready to go.

Today is Friday so I am two days out of this surgery and I can say that last night and into today have been more painful than the actual day of.  It might just be because of the location of the stitches.  Every time I move my mouth to talk, drink, or eat it irritates it.  But like all things I compare it to the nipple juice and feel like this is nothing I can't handle!  Hardest part of this entire situation is waiting till the pathology report to come back so they can tell me everything is fine and it is just some weird, freaky, oddball thing. 

Quick update on my eye  issue.  It would seem that the most likely explanation for it was that I had an averse reaction to the scopolamine patch that was put on me for my exchange surgery (this helps prevent nausea due to all the medication during surgery).  One of the side effects is that the eyes can dilate to different sizes.  It is not super common and although my plastic surgeon said he hadn't seen it before he had heard of it and pulled up a bunch of information online for me to read about it.  Even thought we might know what caused it they have decided to play it safe and I have to keep track of a list of things should they happen to me so we can make sure that I didn't have a stroke or something else that might require a CT scan of my brain like seeing spots, migraines, persistent headaches, losing consciousness, losing control of my hand, arm, or another part of my body...again, yippee.

I think that this part, the past week, has been a reality slap in the face for me.  This is my new life.  Even when I am done with treatment for my original cancer there will continue to be a cloud that lingers over my life.  There will be days I am sure that this cloud will be hard to see and the sun will shine brighter than ever, but ultimately, the cloud will stay in place because anything "not normal" will need to be ruled out as "not cancerous".  It is tiring, nerve wracking, and just something I really would like to not have to accept.  But I have no choice and that, well it sucks.   

The No Good, Very Long, Stupid Day

I keep trying to start writing this entry and end up deleting it over and over because I don't know where to start.  Mainly the problem is that I haven't written anything on here yet about a lump that developed in my mouth months ago because discussing it makes real, and for me, reality sorta sucks these days. 

During my appointment with my oncologist last month we decided it would probably be best to have the lump in my mouth removed.  Since I was cleared for my exchange surgery last week she suggested I contact my dentist and see if they could get me on their schedule to have it removed.  Though we don't think it is going to come back malignant (it would be rare for breast cancer to metastasize to the mouth) if it did then my treatment plan would need to change.  Yesterday my dentist referred me to an oral surgeon and they wanted me to come in right away.  Due to the exchange surgery I can't drive which made it a bit tricky figuring out the logistics but my sister Deni was able to help me out.  

Before she showed up my vision started getting...weird.  My first thought was my contacts so I went in the bathroom to check them out and see if I needed to get a new pair.  However when I looked in the mirror my eyes were dilated but not like last Thursday and Friday.  This time one eye had a huge pupil and the other a tiny one.  I took a picture because I wanted to be certain I wasn't going crazy.

These pictures make my nose look enormous.  It's 3:23 in the morning and I am sitting on the couch in my family room cracking up.  They are really terrible images but I want you to see what I am seeing.  

Okay so obviously this is not normal and I was a little freaked out.  Not sure what to do I sent a message to my oncologist in case it was from my chemo Friday and also to my plastic surgeon in case it was from the surgery.  In the mean Deni showed up and I showed her.  Any of you that know Deni know she has the world's worst vision.  In fact I think her prescription is so high she might be legally blind without glasses or contacts (no joke) and she thought my eyes looked wonky.  

Not sure what to do because I was not getting a response from the doctors I message my friend that is a physicians assistant and also has the same type of breast cancer as I.  She had her exchange surgery too so I felt like maybe she would be able to shed some light on my situation.  Her response was that I should go to the ER or urgent care and to post it in my facebook group to see if anyone else had something similar.  What I found out was that no one had this happen and everyone thought I needed to go to the ER...I went to the oral surgeon appointment instead. 

At the oral surgeon's office we found out was that he also thinks we need to remove it because I do have cancer but feels like it will not be malignant.  He wanted to remove it tomorrow, today actually, but I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon to remove all my bandages and HOPEFULLY be told that I can shower.  No way I am missing that appointment!  Instead it got scheduled for my birthday which just seems crappy but I want it done.  The procedure is going to be a relatively easy and short lasting only about 45 minutes to an hour and hopefully only needing two to three stitches.

I should insert that I texted Scott asking him if I should go to the ER or not and he showed up at the oral surgeon's office.  We both decided that seemed crazy and since we still hadn't heard from my doctors to call the advice nurse.  The advice nurse talked to an ER doctor who said I had to be seen immediately so if I couldn't get a doctor appointment then to go straight to the ER.  Thankfully they had an opening at 5:30 in the after hours clinic so no ER.  Of course the eyes had started at 11 in the morning and by the appointment were almost back to normal, go figure, but I had taken pictures!

We were with the doctor for over an hour.  First he wanted me to go have brain imaging done to rule out that I hadn't had a stroke.  Then he made me do all these random test in the room to see if I had control of my body.  After that he made us wait why he contacted an ophthalmologist.  In the end he decided that he had no idea why my eyes were doing what they were doing and he wanted to wait on doing brain imaging.  

The only thing that was for certain was my blood pressure.  It has steadily been increasing since I was diagnosed with cancer and once chemopause set in, well, that only made it worse.  Typically it has been around 133/85.  At chemo on Friday it was stupid high at 150/90.  They thought it was because I was in pain from the surgery and not taking any pain meds.  At the doctor appointment yesterday it was 157/100.  Needless to say it needed to be dealt with so I am now starting a medicine for that.  

Finally a little after 7 we left the doctor and went to get the kids from Deni and Tone.  It was a long day and I feel silly saying this but I spent a lot of it very scared.  Scared that this random bump in my mouth is going to end up being malignant, scared that there is something in my brain causing my eyes to not work correctly,  scared that I will end up having a stroke because my blood pressure suddenly is unable to be normal, just scared period.  

As I sat there on the table in the doctor office and looked over at Scott I started to cry. I do not understand why my body is suddenly so weak.  It frustrates me that a body that was once so strong and healthy suddenly seems to have forgotten how to function.  I wonder how long Scott is going to be able to handle having a wife that was once his partner, his equal, someone to shoulder the weight and ease his burdens, that is now dead weight.  He sits there so calm, responding to work emails, answering work calls, and then patiently helping me remember all the questions I need to ask the doctor because I can't seem to recall half of what I should anymore these days.  Then he sees me crying and he tells me no matter happens he will take care of it.  Where would I be without him?  I never want to find out.  

I am so glad that this day is over.  

Round 9

In between surgeries and allergic reactions I had round 9, my third round of targeted chemotherapy,  last Friday.  What was most exciting about it was that my eyes were dilated making it really hard to see.  My mom and the kids were worried I was not going to get to the Oncology Department safely so Brody was my guide.  He was so sweet!  Brody held my hand and made sure I was with my nurse before he would leave my side (kids aren't allowed in the infusion area).  I guess I don't get my eyes dilated that often because I was shocked at how blind I was till my eyes went back to normal.

I was pretty much blind taking that picture, now seeing it I think that I look like I am high.  What a mess.  Also I was not feeling too peppy here because I had stopped all pain meds.  My nurse was freaking out because my blood pressure was high which lead to a lecture on taking care of myself.  I had to explain I had just had surgery and then she chilled out a little bit but man she was mad at me! 

For those of you keeping up to date on my blog you might remember my bud Josephina.  Well she was who I shared a room with during chemo!  I was so happy when I saw her that I moved my arms too fast and yelped when I went to hug her.  It was pretty funny because then she yelled out and started cussing in Spanish.  She was in a very different mental state than three weeks ago and I asked her about it.  I guess that her nurse was concerned and had put in a request for her to be sent for a psych evaluation after that appointment.  At first she was upset but after meeting with her social worker (all of us diagnosed with cancer at Kaiser are provided one) she realized that she did need to refocus.  I told her I was proud of her and that I had left the last appointment so worried about her.  Before I left we hugged again and asked the nurses to try to keep our appointments around the same time if they could.  Keep her in your prayers if you can.

The last update I need is my hair and then I think we are all caught up on the happenings of my ridiculously dramatic life.  Last Friday was also one month since my hair started to grow back.  Though I am taking vitamins and eating everything suggested to aid hair growth there has been no chia pet response that I had hoped.  Instead it is slowly filling in. 

I really should start doing my makeup for these, craparoni I look tore up!  But I really don't have the energy right now.  Perhaps the pictures in the coming months I will make more of an effort...I'll try.  So around my ears you can see that the hair is starting to grow over my ears which is pretty darn exciting!  One noticeable difference with the hair coming back is that I have a ton more gray and what isn't gray is significantly darker than my hair before chemo.  I think it might actually be black.  For now I am not sure if it is going to have the chemo curl but I am happy it is growing at all.  

Since hair is growing on my head that means hair has started to sprout up in other places....which I am sure everyone is wondering about.  The first place that my hair returned was the damn chin hair that I have to pluck.  I swear that was the one hair I hoped chemo would have killed forever!!  My leg hair returned this week too which is ironic because I can't shower or bathe yet, so I am going full amazon at this point.  As for my armpits I can't lift my arms up high enough yet to look in there but I am not able to feel anything so I think I am in the clear still.  But one place I am desperate for the hair to start regrowing is my nose and it has not started!  I am so annoyed by that because as the weather is getting colder my nose drips like a leaky faucet. It is disgusting and so embarrassing!  

Fat Grafting Ouch

My biggest concern about my exchange surgery was that my foobs would be softer.  It was selfish but I really wanted the kids to hug me for real and one day not to feel like a science experiment when naked in front of my husband.   I should have been asking more questions about fat grafting.  For instance how painful is it?  How long before the swelling goes down? And holy crap when does the bruising stop????  I am really glad I chose implants and not the DIEP Flap surgery option to recreate my breasts.  In that procedure you use your ab muscles and fat to recreate your boobs.  Many women are excited and happily pick this option because it means they get a tummy tuck, liposuction and breast job in the name of cancer.  I know it would have been fat grafting on acid.  NO WAY!

Below are pictures of the two locations on my sides that were used to harvest fat to recreate my fake boobies.  The first picture on the top left is the night I came home from surgery.  Bottom left is the next evening and the largest picture in the set of three is four days out of surgery.  Below the set of three is a picture from today,six days out of surgery. 

Left Side

 

Right Side

It looks like I was hit by a bus and I can say it feels a lot like it too.

Part of the reason that this is so painful is that I had another reaction to the pain medicine.  I know I have chemo brain but I am pretty sure this happened after the mastectomy surgery too.   It started off again with my skin beginning to itch uncontrollably.  Then I noticed that I couldn't focus my eyes and the light was starting to hurt them.  In the mirror I noticed that my pupils were enormous.  Scott said I looked like one of our girls beanie boo stuffed animals.  Since the doctor called to check on me shortly after I realized my pupils were crazy we decided to stop that particular pain medicine.  This is now the third or fourth pain medicine I have tried since getting cancer and none of them seem to like me so I opted to stop all pain medicine and take Tylenol.

My eyes are almost back to normal as of today thankfully.  It was impossible to read, type, or write with my eyes dilated but now I am close to being caught up on work and life.  Inject a sigh and head shake here.  For now I am back to sleeping in the chair and having to wake Scott up to help me get out of it to pee in the  middle of the night.  Wednesday I am back to the doctor to get checked out from the surgery and hopefully told I can shower.  If I get the okay to shower I MIGHT try to sleep in the bed.  I don't know though, I have a very real fear that Scott will roll into my side and I will karate chop him in his sleep...I think I will stay in the chair for a bit longer!

The FOOBS Have Entered the Body!

From the moment this entire situation started I knew that I was not going to let cancer take control of my life or my body which meant I was not going to lose my breasts forever.  It was never an option for me.  Ironically I don't think I felt like I had this huge attachment to my breast before but when you are told that you might lose them for the rest of your life, well, things change.  In a day where men and women look more androgynous, I guess I am old school.  I want to look feminine and that is ridiculous because I am not a small petite beautiful woman (in fact if I had a quarter for every time someone told me I had an "athletic" build, I'd be rich) .  I love that Scott is significantly taller than me because he makes me feel like I am a small petite beautiful woman.  And right there is why I so desperately wanted to have breasts attached to my body, even if they were 100% fake. 

On Tuesday the 13th, seven months after my diagnosis, Scott and I headed off to the hospital to have my expanders exchanged for implants.  We got scheduled for the first surgery so it was an early day getting us up before 5 and my mom coming then to stay with the kids.  It was silly but I was nervous for the surgery.  

We didn't have to wait long before the nurse came and grabbed me to go get ready.   I got to sport the newest in hospital fashion by modeling the yellow canary gowns with red socks.  Kaiser is going to new gowns and socks for patients that are at risk of falling.  Now if you go under anesthetic for a surgery you will get these fabulous gowns to wear and one day matching yellow socks.

My plastic surgeon came back and we went back over the surgery.  I had already met with him twice before so I felt really comfortable about what was going to happen.  What was happening was not just a boob job which people are always happy to tell me I am getting.  It frustrates the hell out of me when people say that.  What he had to do for me was completely recreate breasts inside of my skin.  The first step had been surgically installing the expanders and cadaver skin.  Next was the physical saline fills to stretch the skin.  Last is the exchange surgery to form the fake breasts inside me.  So using the space provided by the expanders he would have to take fat from other parts of my body to put around the silicone implant.  This is called fat grafting and it essentially allows him to build a fake breast that looks and feels more like a real breast.   Since he has a lot of little things he needs to do to create these for me we go into the operating room with three sizes of implants.  He doesn't know which size will fit in the actual space until he has me open.  I left the type of implant up to him since I honestly had no clue what was best.  After tons of discussion about what I hoped to achieve and what he felt comfortable being able to create we went with a high profile silicone implant.  That is at the end of this picture.  It will hopefully offer me the most projection.  If a woman with breast got this type of implant it would be a whole heck of a lot of cleavage because it pushes everything out.  Since I don't have any of that it offers the best chance to have a breast that pushes forward and looks less flat.  I honestly have no idea and just hope for something pushing forward.  

I got all marked up with where he would have to be making injections and cuts, which places he would be taking things and replacing things so in the end I looked like the pig in Secret Life of Pets.  However I trust my doctor fully and know that he will make me look as good as he can. 

Shortly after I was taken into the operating room where I helped them get me in position and my arm strapped down.  Then I was out until I woke up in recovery.  The entire procedure took a little over three hours and aside from the doctor telling me everything went well I do not remember much until we got home.  

That is me still high as a kite from the meds administered during surgery.  I didn't realize until that night I never asked what size implants we were able to get in!  Wednesday when I go back to the doctors office we will find out so there is something to look forward to.  I am actually really excited to see what they look like as well.  Already my chest feels lighter and softer with the expanders gone.  

Let's get back to the boobs

There has been little discussion on here in the recent months about boobs and it seems ironic as this is what got me into this situation in the first place!  So it seems appropriate to bring the boobies back to the discussion.

Since the bilateral mastectomy and the expanders are filled to capacity, my noobs have turned into rock hard missile launcher foobs (fake boobs).  It is pretty incredible how realistic they look with clothes on and I feel confident saying that if you didn't know that I had my breasts removed it would be hard to tell that they are 100% fake...until you try to hug me.  These bad boys are so hard that an over excited hug could leave you with bruises.  No exaggeration folks.  They are the most unnatural "things" you would ever feel.  Reyna will not give me a hug that is in the front of my body, we have to side hug.  In her defense her head hits right at the foob level so she gets a pretty gnarly head slam from them.

This is an actual picture of the type of expander I have inside me.  The picture is the wrong direction but I am too tired to edit it.  My magnet is closer to my armpit than my nipple.  The gray circle is the magnet.  When you go into the doctor's office to have them filled up to stretch your skin they use a device very similar to a stud finder for the wall.  It is rubbed along your skin until it finds the magnet and once it does the device beeps and the doctor stamps your skin to mark the spot.  That is then where they insert the needle to put the saline into the expander.   Really it is fascinating and if you are okay with needles pretty incredible to watch. 

The most common question people ask about the expanders is what they feel like.  How to explain this??  Like I have a pair of bowling balls sitting on my chest, but they aren't heavy like bowling balls just hard...or as if my breast were made out of cement, but again not heavy just hard...oh like glass but less breakable...I don't know how to answer it.  Most of the time if I know the people well enough I just say FEEL THEM!  After feeling how hard they are it often leads to wanting to know if I am in a ton of pain.  Thankfully the answer is no.  One reason is that I have yet to regain sensation in my chest area (I might never regain that) or another reason is that I have a decent pain tolerance.  I am leading to the latter because only one of the fills actually gave me some discomfort.  All of that said I will be so thankful when they come out and that is set to happen this Tuesday!

3 week update

I realized that I never posted a weekly hair update!  So here it is...

I feel like there is more noticeable darkness on the top of my head this week.  Whether or not my hair is actually getting longer is questionable right now but for sure the "spotty" patches are slowly filling in.  In the pictures it is hard to see but there is a large amount of gray that has filled in.  My mom and older sister love to point them out when they see me.  

Since I was taking my picture on Friday for this blog Rey and Em were asking me why I was doing it.  After we discussed documenting my hair starting to come back they asked if it was going to be dark like Emmy's or lighter like Rey's.  So I put Emmy's hair across my scalp.  Reyna thought it was the funniest thing ever, see her in the background.  Stinker!  

One HOT Mama

It is 2:33 in the morning and I am wide awake because I am on fire.  My body literally feels like it is burning. One would think I must be sick with the flu or something, but I'm not.  What I am is paused, chemopaused, aka chemically induced menopause, and let me tell you it SUCKS.

Previously I had discussed chemopause and the disappearance of my period but since then there hasn't been any one side effect that was directly related to it (except the 15 pound weight gain that I seriously hope is).  But now that hot flashes from hell have decided to reek havoc on my body I can tell you that these are definitely from being in chemopause. 

Who the hell decided to name them hot "flashes"?  Flash implies that they are going to be fast, over suddenly, even fleeting, or blink and you miss it.  SO NOT TRUE!  They last longer than a few minutes,often times they hit off and on for over three hours, and they are so much worse at night while I am trying to sleep than any other time.  The only part about them that is worthy of the word "flash" is that as soon as they start my body "flashes" into a sudden sweat.  I look like I should be on some weird Saturday Night Live skit due to the amount of sweat suddenly pouring off my body in 70 degree weather.  It is embarrassing,  disgusting, and super weird. 

For now I am unsure if this is something I will be staying in.  A lot of women that are under 40 with breast cancer are kept in a chemical induced menopause because they have hormone receptors that feed the cancer.  Since I do not have that specific hormone receptor my oncologist and I have not discussed this yet so there are a few things that could happen.  First, I could be told we are going to keep me this way and I will eventually be put on medicine to maintain the menopause.  Second, I could be told I don't need to be kept this way and my body will eventually turn the chemopause off and start functioning like a young lady (okay I am closer to 40 than 30 so young-ish, middle age, I don't know) again.  Last, my body could decide that the hard chemo was too much and just stay this way.  This is not common but I have met quite a few ladies that never naturally went out of chemopause.  Guess it is one of those fun wait and see games cancer plays with you.

 

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Normally when the mornings start out with a crisp chill in the air and the leaves start to change I have my hair darkened to accommodate the impending season. This year it would seem is no different but I didn't have to go to the salon to have my hair darkened.  As I have switched from the retched chemotherapy to a targeted chemotherapy my hair has slowly been starting to make an appearance.

On my quest to be as honest as possible there are no filters on these pictures.  I am again hopeful that some woman looking for answers will find this helpful.  I look a mess and would love to filter this mugshot up.  I haven't put on any makeup because I am at home and still need to do some sort of workout to keep working on getting my upper body strength back.  But back to the pictures!  On the left is the picture I took last Friday October 26.  You can see that there are some hairs long enough to stick up and they aren't gray!!!  Speaking of gray there is a whole lot more on my head now (I guess the nurses were right when they told me to get ready for gray or blonde).  

I am staying focused on how much of my scalp is visible.  When I look in the mirror and see my pale white scalp it just makes me feel and look like someone that is sick.  The picture from the 26th has more scalp showing than the one I took today.  I can also see less of the white skin peeking out on the sides.  Also the hair is softer than any hair I have ever felt.  It feels a little bit like a baby duck.  The kids love it, especially Emery.  She still has to "pet" my head every night before bed.  In my children's eyes having hair equates to being healthy so the hair coming back is a huge deal for them.  

Those that have been with me this entire time will remember the stupid acne rash on my face.  As I am getting healthier and my body is rebuilding its counts the color on my face is also changing.  I see less spots and am hopeful that means there will not be any scars.  

My plan is to trying and take a picture every Friday.  Maybe I will do a post once a month on the progress of my hair.   It will not be pretty as it grows.  I am preparing myself for chemo curl and mullets but I don't care!  I just want my hair back.