physical therapy for noobs (NO BOOBS)

Losing two appendages should feel like a weight has been lifted off your chest, literally.  But when you are like me who started out with almost no breast from years of swimming the excitement to "get" breast after having children was exhilarating!  Now it would seem I am back to where I started in the boob department where less is more but my muscles are weaker.  The irony is that now I have to attend an actual physical therapy course to relearn how to move since all of my breast tissue has been removed.  In theory this sounds like it shouldn't be that big a deal but after a week of not being able to move my arm higher than my elbow I understand how weak I have become.

On Thursday I found myself with my trusty sidekick on this adventure, my mom, venturing into the land of No Boob Land herein to be referred to as "noob".  There is a ton of stuff I have to learn or relearn to do between now and reconstruction.  Nestled in between this is going to be chemotherapy and additional injections to slow me down.  Gone are the days of me fitting a workout in the morning and possibly after work.  I looked at my yoga mat and weights pushed to the corner the other day with the knowledge that we wouldn't be hanging out for quite some time...I'm not going to lie, this hurts my heart as it seems that around corner I find myself with another  "thing" I can't do.  My list is getting longer by the day; be a mom, go to work, make a meal, wash a dish, push down the soap dispenser, open a bottle of water, pull my pants up, get myself dressed.   I'll stop there since this list could go on for many, many pages. 

So there we sat, my mom and I, in a class for women with breast cancer that have had a lumpectomy or mastectomy.  On one side of the room were three woman; a 73 year old with a lumpectomy, a 67 year old with a lumpectomy, and a 60 year old that had a double mastectomy.  On the other side of the room was my mom and me.  As we sat through the presentation listing all the things we couldn't do, shouldn't do, and the exercises we needed to start doing I felt more and more alone.  I know that women my age aren't your typical breast cancer patients but sitting there listening to these woman, my mother's age and older was making me mad.  They were expressing their disgust and shock at having some how been the lucky one to get cancer when they had their entire lives in front of them.  The three went on to list reasons they shouldn't have been the "one" to get the disease. 

I couldn't talk.  I literally said about five words the entire time.  I was furious.  Here across the table from me were three woman who had seen their children grow up, met their grandchildren, retired.  All I could do was compare them to me and think how wrong they were.  When we left the class I told my mom I was surely going to hell because I was so upset.  It's on me that I felt the way I did.  Those women were thinking the same thing I thought when I found out I had cancer.  Unfortunately this is the reality of getting a disease that can kill you.