In Sickness and In Health

When Scott and I got married, 12 years ago today, one of the lines I wanted removed from the vows was,"till death do us part."  I do not believe that God will be parting me from my family once I return to him, but instead, have them waiting with open arms, just like he will be when we reach our celestial home.  That one line was the only line either Scott or I really thought about in great depth.  It never crossed our minds that the line that would really matter was, "in sickness and in health." 

Of course 12 years ago, and almost 3 years of togetherness before that, we were both (Scott still is thankfully) healthy with the worst ailments being a cold or flu on occasion.  Sickness was something we figured would matter in the very distant future and really wasn't all that tangible in our minds, at least not mine. 

To say it was a shocking to get a cancer diagnosis is true, but at 37, it was heart stopping for both of us.  I remember sitting in the car after my appointment on April 6th knowing that I had cancer but unsure how "bad" the diagnosis was going to be and all I could think about was Scott.  Every memory of our life together up to that moment played through my head.  I remembered seeing him for the first time walking into our graduate seminar course and being struck speechless, then kicking myself for being so scared to go from friends to "more than friends" for over a year.  I thought about the three beautiful babies we had made together and what an amazing dad he is to them.  But most of all, I just thought about how cancer was going to change us.

After we had put the kids to bed that night I asked Scott to sit down on the bed across from me where I was sitting on a chair.  I told him not to touch me till I was done talking.  I knew if he touched me I would break down and I had to be certain to tell him everything I had learned at that appointment.  He didn't listen, typical man, so I blubbered my way through the entire thing.  In the end he just held me and said all the right things.  Before we were married I knew he was the man I was meant to have my forever with and in that moment I felt that same feeling.  I don't know how many times he told me that he couldn't live without me that night, and I felt the exact same way, still do. 

Scott has a very demanding job that at times requires him to be gone early and home late, travel for extended periods of time both domestic and internationally, so getting personal time with him is scheduled in advance.  Once we got the biopsies back we knew that things had to be accelerated and there was very little time to schedule things out months in advance.  I think it was less than 3 weeks from my imaging that we in the operating room in hopes of getting all the tumors out before they got larger or spread any faster.   However Scott canceled and rescheduled every appointment and trip he had that interfered with any appointment or surgery I had.  It was challenging for him and ultimately has made his life so much more stressful, both at work and home, but he did it without me every asking. 

After my bilateral mastectomy (fancy for both boobs getting chopped off) I couldn't do a thing.  Scott had to help me go the bathroom, push the soap dispenser, get dressed, lift everything even my plate for meals.  He never complained.  In fact most of the time he had me laughing so hard my incisions hurt.  As a wife you never ever want your partner to see you like that.  Not only had I lost my breasts, making me feel unattractive to him, I was as a weak as a baby, plus I couldn't shower so I stank.  I remember this one night sitting in my chair getting ready for bed and Scott got out of bed, came over to me, kissed my forehead, and told me if there was a way he could sit in the chair and hold me all night he would because he missed me not being next to him...there is just no one in this world I would ever want at my side than him.

Once chemo started I told Scott that lots of people had offered to come with me.  There is a lot of sitting and if you don't bring stuff to do you will be bored, I figured he would take a pass on this part of the cancer journey.  Yet again he rescheduled everything to be there.  So far he hasn't missed one.   He is able to actually work while he is there so he steps out to take a phone call here and there, but he takes care of me the entire time.  The nurses get a kick out of him because he will be on the phone, responding to an email, and then trying to force me to take a drink of water, or wrapping a blanket around me.  He never stops and I know how lucky I am because not many patients have a partner with them in there. 

Chemo round 1

Chemo round 3

No picture of us from chemo 2 because my friend who also has cancer came and sat with me so Scotty and I forgot to snap one, oops!  Below was round 4 that happened yesterday.  Scott hates pictures so I am pretty excitement to have all these.  

He is my rock, my best friend, my true love, honestly, my everything.  On our way to chemo yesterday I started crying (I am clearly over emotional these days) because I was thinking about our anniversary and that I hadn't got Scott anything (I don't go shopping much these days even online).  I know gifts aren't what matter but I have no idea how to make him feel as loved as he makes me feel.  Not a day goes by that I don't look at him and just say thank you to God that I found him.  The reality is that you don't know how you are going to react to this type of diagnosis.  It can tear your relationship apart or bring you closer than you ever imagined.  There was never a doubt in my mind that we wouldn't make it together in this life.  It has brought us closer than I ever knew possible and in a weird way I am grateful to cancer for doing that.  There is no one else I could weather this storm with than him.  I need him, more so now than ever, he has made my life so much brighter, joyful, and full of humor.   

If I have learned anything up to this point it is that your crew, or team, surrounding you is the best medicine you can have.  Scotty is that for me.  He makes me laugh when I need to, he holds me when I cry, he listens to my worries and fears, and he is there whether I think I need him or not, and he has picked up all the slack I have had to let slide over the past few months.  I love him beyond measure and cherish every single moment I get with him.  My hope is we will get to celebrate this day every year for the next 70 plus years.  Happy anniversary Scotty B I love you!