In Sickness and In Health

When Scott and I got married, 12 years ago today, one of the lines I wanted removed from the vows was,"till death do us part."  I do not believe that God will be parting me from my family once I return to him, but instead, have them waiting with open arms, just like he will be when we reach our celestial home.  That one line was the only line either Scott or I really thought about in great depth.  It never crossed our minds that the line that would really matter was, "in sickness and in health." 

Of course 12 years ago, and almost 3 years of togetherness before that, we were both (Scott still is thankfully) healthy with the worst ailments being a cold or flu on occasion.  Sickness was something we figured would matter in the very distant future and really wasn't all that tangible in our minds, at least not mine. 

To say it was a shocking to get a cancer diagnosis is true, but at 37, it was heart stopping for both of us.  I remember sitting in the car after my appointment on April 6th knowing that I had cancer but unsure how "bad" the diagnosis was going to be and all I could think about was Scott.  Every memory of our life together up to that moment played through my head.  I remembered seeing him for the first time walking into our graduate seminar course and being struck speechless, then kicking myself for being so scared to go from friends to "more than friends" for over a year.  I thought about the three beautiful babies we had made together and what an amazing dad he is to them.  But most of all, I just thought about how cancer was going to change us.

After we had put the kids to bed that night I asked Scott to sit down on the bed across from me where I was sitting on a chair.  I told him not to touch me till I was done talking.  I knew if he touched me I would break down and I had to be certain to tell him everything I had learned at that appointment.  He didn't listen, typical man, so I blubbered my way through the entire thing.  In the end he just held me and said all the right things.  Before we were married I knew he was the man I was meant to have my forever with and in that moment I felt that same feeling.  I don't know how many times he told me that he couldn't live without me that night, and I felt the exact same way, still do. 

Scott has a very demanding job that at times requires him to be gone early and home late, travel for extended periods of time both domestic and internationally, so getting personal time with him is scheduled in advance.  Once we got the biopsies back we knew that things had to be accelerated and there was very little time to schedule things out months in advance.  I think it was less than 3 weeks from my imaging that we in the operating room in hopes of getting all the tumors out before they got larger or spread any faster.   However Scott canceled and rescheduled every appointment and trip he had that interfered with any appointment or surgery I had.  It was challenging for him and ultimately has made his life so much more stressful, both at work and home, but he did it without me every asking. 

After my bilateral mastectomy (fancy for both boobs getting chopped off) I couldn't do a thing.  Scott had to help me go the bathroom, push the soap dispenser, get dressed, lift everything even my plate for meals.  He never complained.  In fact most of the time he had me laughing so hard my incisions hurt.  As a wife you never ever want your partner to see you like that.  Not only had I lost my breasts, making me feel unattractive to him, I was as a weak as a baby, plus I couldn't shower so I stank.  I remember this one night sitting in my chair getting ready for bed and Scott got out of bed, came over to me, kissed my forehead, and told me if there was a way he could sit in the chair and hold me all night he would because he missed me not being next to him...there is just no one in this world I would ever want at my side than him.

Once chemo started I told Scott that lots of people had offered to come with me.  There is a lot of sitting and if you don't bring stuff to do you will be bored, I figured he would take a pass on this part of the cancer journey.  Yet again he rescheduled everything to be there.  So far he hasn't missed one.   He is able to actually work while he is there so he steps out to take a phone call here and there, but he takes care of me the entire time.  The nurses get a kick out of him because he will be on the phone, responding to an email, and then trying to force me to take a drink of water, or wrapping a blanket around me.  He never stops and I know how lucky I am because not many patients have a partner with them in there. 

Chemo round 1

Chemo round 3

No picture of us from chemo 2 because my friend who also has cancer came and sat with me so Scotty and I forgot to snap one, oops!  Below was round 4 that happened yesterday.  Scott hates pictures so I am pretty excitement to have all these.  

He is my rock, my best friend, my true love, honestly, my everything.  On our way to chemo yesterday I started crying (I am clearly over emotional these days) because I was thinking about our anniversary and that I hadn't got Scott anything (I don't go shopping much these days even online).  I know gifts aren't what matter but I have no idea how to make him feel as loved as he makes me feel.  Not a day goes by that I don't look at him and just say thank you to God that I found him.  The reality is that you don't know how you are going to react to this type of diagnosis.  It can tear your relationship apart or bring you closer than you ever imagined.  There was never a doubt in my mind that we wouldn't make it together in this life.  It has brought us closer than I ever knew possible and in a weird way I am grateful to cancer for doing that.  There is no one else I could weather this storm with than him.  I need him, more so now than ever, he has made my life so much brighter, joyful, and full of humor.   

If I have learned anything up to this point it is that your crew, or team, surrounding you is the best medicine you can have.  Scotty is that for me.  He makes me laugh when I need to, he holds me when I cry, he listens to my worries and fears, and he is there whether I think I need him or not, and he has picked up all the slack I have had to let slide over the past few months.  I love him beyond measure and cherish every single moment I get with him.  My hope is we will get to celebrate this day every year for the next 70 plus years.  Happy anniversary Scotty B I love you!

Bad Blood

Over the last week I started to have mysterious bruises showing up on my body.  The majority of them were small and covered my lower legs.  None of them were dark or big so I shrugged it off as me being less graceful than normal since chemosabe entered my life months ago.  Then Emery came into the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth and asked if I wanted a kiss on my bruise before she went to bed.  Thinking that was odd I told her no because I had on long pants (side note I am freezing and it is 107 where I live).  Emmy gave me a look that said, "oh no mom's chemo brain is a real thing," and pointed at my arm.

You can see the blackish bruise towards the top and middle of my arm, plus a red bruise going down the length of my arm.  How on Earth I didn't feel this has boggled my mind because this picture, unfiltered, does not pick up how dark and ugly it is.  We decided not to kiss it since it was nasty but kissed my shoulder instead, which of course made it all better...not really it is getting darker and super gross.

About two days after this I got a bruise very similar on the opposite side of my body down my leg.  I knew this time that I had not ran into anything since I was attempting to be more cautious as I obviously bruise easier since on chemo.  I did try to get a picture but it is in a weird spot and I am not a contortionist. 

The new bruises combined with the increase bloody noses was concerning to me so I contacted my doctor.  After a consult with my oncologist, and blood work, we knew that this is happening because my platelets are low and I am anemic.  Neither are bad enough to postpone my next infusion, number 4 (thank goodness) but if my platelets get much lower we will have postpone my next infusion, round 5.  I did blood work yesterday because that is when I am considered my healthiest and my platelets were at 115.  If it gets below 70 then we postpone.  My numbers started at around 389 before my first infusion 3 months ago to give you a starting point.  With each subsequent injection I have gotten lower.  Before my last infusion three weeks ago I was 159.  It sucks that for this there is nothing that I can do to prevent it or boost my numbers, we just wait and see.  As for the anemia it is pretty mild and I am continuing to try to minimize it through diet.  So far that seems to be working as my numbers stayed the same instead of the steady decrease that has happened over the past few rounds. 

Sadly, the platelet thing isn't a new development for me.  If you didn't know me as child you wouldn't know that I grew up with a bleeding disorder.  I was factor 7 deficient.  We found out when I was 11 due to a minor complication with a blister, that turned into a rather large and painful blood blister.  I spent lots of time at the hematologist office and learned that it was rare for a woman to have it, was the only bleeding disorder that had no medicine to correct it, and could potentially go away with the help of hormones or pregnancy.  At the age of 11 my mom was not going to start messing around with different hormone treatments on me (thanks mom!)  instead opted for a medic alert bracelet and time. 

My life was pretty normal except when surgeries were needed.  For me standard protocol was fresh frozen plasma injected into my veins or sometimes directly into the incision site to prevent me from bleeding to death.  I also am not allowed to donate blood.  So for those of you that can know people like me are grateful for you that are able and willing to do it.  Lucky for me my hematologist was correct.  With each one of my pregnancies my numbers got better and after Emery my bleeding disorder went completely away.  I get retested about every three years but so far so good.  The female body is scientifically amazing to me.  Because God's plan was for it to create life it has the ability to regenerate certain compounds in the blood.  Clotting disorders are one of those able to regenerate and a reason why hemophilia and other bleeding disorders are so rare in woman.

I guess we can add this onto the new side effects column for those keeping track.  The only other noticeable difference is the level of exhaustion is increasing still.  By the time I hit 3 pm I am done.  I've explain in other posts it is more tired than pregnancy.  It is, but it is a different type of tired.  People use the expression, "bone tired" and that is the best way to describe it.  My bones literally feel tired.  With pregnancy my brain was tired, but my body felt fine.  Now it is the opposite.  My muscles ache as if I went for a six mile run (please note there has been no running in almost four months) and did not stretch after.  My bones hurt almost as if they are tired of trying to support my body, it is a really odd feeling.  It is also super frustrating because I am doing everything I can to help alleviate this with healthy food, lots of liquid, and working out (again not running but short HIIT, Pilates, Yoga, etc).  Frankly nothing I do is going to remove this from my life until Chemosabe stops, even then, it will be a waiting game to see how I respond to the one medicine needed for the remainder of the year. 

When I look in the mirror I think I still look pretty healthy.  To clarify, not pretty.   I see the dark spots left all over my face from the rash that came in round one and pray will fade...I witness the lack of hair each day that is missing from my head leaving a ghostly white scalp...I notice each eyelash and eyebrow that has disappeared and wonder how soon I will be counting how many are struggling to stay on...I examine each scar on my neck, chest, and breasts and hope they heal a little faster each day.  BUT I don't look like what you see cancer patients portrayed in the movies.  On the outside I am holding strong, on the inside is where I am slowly declining.  That is more frustrating than what is visible in the mirror.  If there was a way to make my blood work harder, faster, and some how healthier I would gladly do it, or take it.  Feeling weak and having things happen out of my control, like the bruising, is disheartening to say the least. 

Still, with all of this being noted I wouldn't change it.  As much as I wish I didn't have to go through it I don't pray I never got this disease.  For some reason it was meant to be me and it is in God's plan.  I hope that means it has spared someone else from getting this disease who might not have the same support as me, the same faith in God, or the ability to stay positive.  I do pray that my honesty here, within this blog, might help someone in the world be less scared or apprehensive about the journey they might be starting.  If it makes one woman do a self exam or schedule a mammogram it is worth it. 

Cancer is just horrible in every stage and in every type.  I am indebted to the doctors, researchers, and women that worked diligent and were willing to take part in research studies to understand more specifically  HER2+ breast cancer.  The treatment might have some nasty side effects but it is also saving my life and for that I will be eternally grateful.  For that I will gladly sit down in the infusion chair tomorrow and get injected with medicine that I know will magnify all the bad side effects I already have and bring about some new ones...but I chose to live and this to shall pass.

Toy Decisions

Never did I think my kids would deliberate over what toys to buy based on my health.  Yet this weekend that is exactly what they did while Scott took Emery, Reyna, and Brody to the store.  Emery had birthday money to spend and Brody had filled his chore and kindness chart.  When they left the house both of them had told me what they were going to buy.  No one told me it was going to be something that had to be pink or related to cancer in any way.

While Emery was searching for more enchantimals Reyna found this barbie.  She was so excited to see a barbie that looked like my hair now that she went screaming for Emery.  When Emery saw it she had to buy it because it looked "just like mom".  She came home with a bag full of goodies she purchased with her money but the only thing she wanted to show me was the barbie she found.  It is called her "mommy doll".  That doll has been everywhere with her since she got it: the table for each meal, the couch to watch Fuller House, and to bed to sleep by her.  As she explained to me the doll even has a pink necklace and high heels, which I love to wear, plus hair exactly like mine!  

Then Brody dumped out his bag of goodies he purchased and ripped open one of the packages with total excitement telling me to "wait for it!"  Out flew a pink halo guy.  Not many boys are overly excited about pink action figures but this kid was overjoyed!  He calls it the "breast warrior in the pack", lol.

Every time I think we are done seeing how far cancer can push into our lives something like this happens.  My hope is that my kids look back on this time and remember these moments.  It makes me so proud of them.  They did not need to spend their money on toys like these but did to show me support.  I love these three kiddos so much!

championships

I got a few pictures at championships I wanted to share.  Last year I had pictures galore to share on facebook and instagram of the kids swimming adventures.  This year I have been quiet on the swimming front because my focus has been more on my health.  I won't lie, it felt so good to be back at the pool watching all the Sea Lions race.

This is Reyna and Emmy with their gal pal crew, Jaya and Hollis.  They were sitting there waiting for awards to start at the end of the meet.  Without being asked they jumped up to help get all the awards out.

Even though Emery wasn't that excited about her overall performance this year (her words not mine) she did get high point for her age group.  She told me after that she wanted to give her trophy to Reyna because her sister didn't get a trophy this year.  Her little heart is gold.  She also asked if she could give it to another team mate that didn't receive a trophy that year too.   After a few minutes of thinking she decided to give me her trophy because she said, "she won it for me."  It is now sitting on my dresser.

This group of 9/10 boys is amazing.  They are so supportive of one another and push each other to be better all the time.  Ben won high point, Nate was second, and Brody third (I don't know where Matthew was only because they only announce the top three) but honestly any of these four boys could have got it and they all deserved it.  To top it off they broke the meet record in the 200 free relay!

Emery's birthday celebration

With no energy I couldn't do a big celebration from Em this year.  Instead she got to pick a few friends to have come over to swim and eat.  I might have had some mommy guilt over not making things as special as I have in the past but Emery said it was "perfect"!

Just keep swimming

Cancer is like water, it continues to flow filling every nook and cranny that it can find until it has reached level ground.  I don't know if we have reached level ground yet.

 In complete honesty I thought my family (the small Alicia and Scott family, not my big, crazy, Lowryland family) was going to make it though this battle fairly unaffected by the disease.  I rationalized this because of two things: the kids all finished out the school year with honors and citizenship awards, and, they have acted "normal"  at home.  Looking back I realize that I was/am still very present in these two aspects of their life bringing very little notice change to them.

One area that I have been far removed from since receiving my diagnosis is the pool.  Typically I am at every practice and every meet but treatment does not allow me to do that.  If it isn't the number of people that could unknowingly give me some sort of germ, it is the heat and sun.  I know I have said in other blog posts that this, not being at the pool, was one of the hardest consequences for me to accept.  It seems like it is also the hardest for my kids.

Brody, Reyna, and Emery have had a tough season.  In our family we don't judge performance on where the kids finish in place standings, we judge it based on improved time.  Overall we ended the season with maybe 10 improved times.  It was rough for them because they didn't understand what they were doing wrong.  They go to practice, do what the coaches ask, try their hardest at the meets, but in the end the results were not what they expected.

Yesterday was their last meet of the season, championships.  It was also the first meet I was able to attend from start to finish.  Scott has stepped up big time this summer taking over swim dad duties but there is nothing like having mom there too.  This was made evident because Emery needed to touch me until the moment she dove in the water, Reyna didn't seem to need me at all except to scream "Hi MOM!" every hour, and Brody wanted me with him before and after every race.

Watching their first races of the day I cried while they swam.  My mind kept reminding me that if I hadn't done my own breast exams, or made that doctor appointment, or waited in line to make the appointment for imaging as fast as I had I would not be standing there at that moment able to watch them swim.  I know people were looking at me wondering what was wrong with me, but I didn't care.  My children are miracles no matter how fast they swim and I want to be here to see the next  hundred races they have.

As much as I love getting to see my own kids swim it is just as exciting to watch all my little Sea Lions swim too.  It feels like a year has been wiped from my life by missing all these meets.  Michelle's twins that are 5 made the team and enough meets to go to championships and I only got to see them swim twice!  The entire 9/10 girls age group dominated the last heat of every event and I saw only a few of the swims.  Then the 9/10 boys only had their fellow team mates to push them and every single of one of them got stronger and faster.  Carter is now in 11/12's.  It honestly hurts my hearts.  I know they aren't my kids, but they are.

We have been lucky to have some pretty great families help us out and keep my children's heads up over the summer.  Parents have noticed when one of them seem sad or distance often resulting in me receiving texts saying things like, "hey your daughter didn't seem like herself today, why don't you let us take her for an hour to get her mind off things."  Or, "your kid seemed really unhappy today, thought I would let you know.  Let me know if I can do anything!"  To say I appreciate those texts is an understatement. 

Unfortunately the flip side to those amazing families that have helped us is that there are those that have felt it was better to look at my children and my family and find fault in the way we are dealing with me having cancer.  This is not a platform for me to pass judgment but it is a place for me to be honest about what I am going through.  The reality is that some parents think their children are perfect and can do no wrong.  They feel better when they go out of their way to find fault in other people's children,  I am not one of those parents.  My children, my husband, and myself are not perfect, far from it.  All five of us work everyday to be a little bit better than we were the day before.  We make mistakes and that is how God made us.  He wants us to learn and grow, to have choice and accountability.  He didn't send us here as the only perfect beings to watch others and then judge them as inferior.

Unless you have cancer, are married to someone with cancer, or are a young child whose parent has cancer you do not know what we are going through.  You don't have to like me, my husband, or any of my kids to understand any aspect of that.  But, you can be empathetic and compassionate.  You can realize that my family is dealing with something that no one ever wants to deal with.  Our struggle is real, it is hard, it is ugly, and it is something that is ongoing.  Love one another, right?

The Biedermann Crew will just keep swimming.  We will continue to try to be a little bit better than we were yesterday.  We will continue to strive to be kind.  Scott and I will continue to hold our kids accountable when they make a bad choice, and we will all learn from it.  We aren't perfect, but we are doing our best.  And without a doubt, we will continue to be grateful for the family and friends that have been supporting us through good and bad times.  You help us more than words can say!

Chemosabe 3

What I am finding out is that each round of chemo has different side effects, or a compilation of a different set of them.  I'm one week our round three.  This is also a significant milestone because it marks the halfway point of the most toxic chemo meds I need to take.  I can say, with complete honesty, that after round one I did not think I was going to be able to make it this far if the rash came each time.  But, here I am, and I AM grateful to be HERE.

Thought you might enjoy seeing a line up of some of the medicines that were getting pumped into me...and notice how little hair I have left on my head.  Each morning I wake up with a little more on my pillow and a new bald spot on my head!

I think the hardest side effect to deal with and that has been consistent from last time with this round is the excruciating stomach pains.  During the second round I thought this was from the pretty miserable constipation.  Unfortunately this time I have had a combination of not being able "to go" and "going" to much, yet the pain remains day and night. 

Another duplicate side effect is my taste buds refusing to work.  From most of my research people complain about food tasting metallic during treatment.  Truly that would be welcomed at this point.  Food just tastes the way dog crap smells.  It is disgusting.  The sick and cruel joke is that EVERYTHING smells WONDERFUL!  That in and of itself makes me want to eat it.  Then once the food is in my mouth I have to force it down because it is utterly revolting.  It is also not limited to food but all liquids.  Typically I only drink a cup of coffee in the morning and water the remainder of the day.  Those both taste like they are rotten.  All other liquids typically are sweet, and some how (no idea why), the sweetness is magnified to the point of me wanting to spit it out.  There is a constant struggle to drink enough not to be dehydrated and eat enough to maintain my weight.  Oh and can I just tell you that all research shows if you continue to workout while going through treatment you have less chance of cancer recurrence...so I am TRYING to workout daily too.  It feels like each day is a mental battle to do those three things.

During my first round I think I did post that I got bloody noses.  Second round if I had them there were not as frequent.  This time around it seems like they are daily.  What seemed to work the last time was plastering my nostrils with butt paste.  That stuff is miracle cream!  I ear swab that lube three times a day around my nostrils and it feels like heaven.  Chemosabe has taken all my nose hairs so even if my nose isn't bleeding it is constantly dripping.  Is it nasty?  Yes.  Do I feel like an old man that needs a hankie?  Yes.  Did I know how much we needed nose hairs before this? NO.  Would I have believed someone that told me I would need an extra box of tampons for my nose during chemo? No....but I do...obviously I do not leave the house much these days...

The newest addition to my ailments is inside my body, or my blood really.  I have become anemic.  It is very common during chemo because of the way the medicines attack your body, cells, blood, etc.  The reason it sucks during chemo is that your body doesn't absorb the iron from pill form as effectively.  Most of the time patients need blood transfusions to help them correct this and continue treatment on schedule.  Thankfully we are not at this point yet (and hopefully never will be).  My doc and I are going to try to correct with food.  Remember the paragraph above about eating ↑↑↑ ?  Yeah it is a struggle to attempt this but something I need to make happen.  If my blood work gets worse we will have to postpone treatment.  That is something I am adamantly against so I am making every effort to overcome this battle. 

Since I have not been leaving the house, manly because I do not want to get sick and end up on medicine or in the hospital, I haven't really socialized with anyone.  I am not complaining!  For reals all I do is TRY to eat and sleep.  One day I slept 14 hours!  But a few days ago two of my life long family friends, the Hill girls Tabitha and Vicky, came down for a visit.  To ensure I didn't get sick they went to my sister's house because they have lots of little ones.  My mom really wanted me to see them so she came and got me so I could spend an hour or so seeing them since they had traveled all the way from Florida.  

I had to keep my mask on when we were in the house which had their kids looking at me funny (I took it off for the picture and Deni made me take one with my hat off but I'm almost bald now and didn't want to post it when that one is so much cuter!).  It was fun to see them and their babies.  They were so sweet and brought a chocolate cake for me which all the kids chowed down on.

 I can't wait for the day I have energy to do more than sit!  Or for a time I can spend the day being able to be in the company of people and not worry about contacting a cold bug.  I feel like a worry wart, a hypochondriac, hell, lets be real, a crazy person. I just do not want to end up in the hospital unless it is to get my expanders switched out for the FOOBS.  

Ecclesiastes 6:10

This might be a little different than my previous posts and that is because in all honesty, it has been a mentally tiring week for me.  My friend Lewis's wife. Kerri passed away from stage 4 lung cancer a few weeks ago.  The cancer had spread about two years ago and Kerri fought so hard for so lung.  She is amazing, not was, because I still feel like she is here is when I see her sweet kids faces at the pool.

Her and I didn't know each other well but Lewis and I had swam together off and on for years.  By the time I moved back home and we reconnected at the pool she was recently diagnosised and then busy with treatments.  It wasn't until my kids started swimming that we really got closer to the their family.  Even then I didn't get enough time to know her.  It is a regret I will always have because the more I learn about her the more I know we would have been such close friends, so much more than mom's saying hi and having a brief conversation about our babies swimming.

Saturday was her funeral.  I refused to miss it even though I felt like and would need to wear a mask.  Who wants to be the bald woman wearing a mask at a funeral for someone that died of cancer?  I felt like I was a walking billboard for what took her life.  My family sat upstairs so I could hide and not standout.  There is no way to blend in with the way I look these days...and  I didn't want someone to see me and be a cruel reminder of the disease.

This shouldn't be about me, but the entire funeral I thought about me.  She was 38, has 4 babies, a young husband, a great support family, a community that stood behind her for years and will continue to lift up her family for years and decades to come.  Why on earth did the Lord not spare her?  She is a much better Christian than I and has the purest heart of any woman I have ever met.  Why was it her turn to go?  I am frustrated that some types of cancer are so sneaky and unable to be found until they are at a stage that offers little hope.  Where you are praying, begging, and longing for one more year, one more month, one more day.  Why does this disease have to exist?z

Sitting there I listened to the letter Lewis wrote and had the pastor read with tears pouring down my face.  I listened to Kerri's brother, Justin tell stories of her childhood, falling in love with Lewis, her devotion to the Lord, and her undeniable love of being a mom and I just sobbed.  It is too close to home for me.

 It took everything in me not get up and walk out.  Find a corner where I could fall apart for a few minutes.  But it isn't about me, and being scared that this same disease could one day do the same thing to me that it did to Kerri wasn't why I was there.  So I sat, silently crying, asking the Lord to hug Kerri so tight for me.  I have had a very small glimpse into what her and her family went through and it is terrifying.  The pain is so much harder for the family.  As the patient you accept it and deal with it. Then you have to sit back and watch it affect those around you that love you.  The complete uncontrollable nature of cancer coupled with human nature that wants to erase anything causing a loved one pain is excruciating to watch. 

As I looked down the bench at my family; Reyna, Emery, Brody and then Scott I prayed to Heavenly Father to make sure that Chemosabe is killing the crap out of every cancer cell in my body.  Then I turned back to the front and Kerri's brother talking about Ecclesiastes 6:10.  He was talking about a conversation he had with his sister where he had told her he wanted her to know that he prays everyday, some times more than twice a day, that she will get better, that she would beat cancer.  Her response was this scripture.  It says, "That which hath been is named already, and it is known that it is man: neither may he contend with him that is mightier than he."   She went on to explain to him that it means that everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there's no use arguing with God about your destiny and her destiny could be to not overcome cancer.  

She is right, the Lord does know what is going to happen and it has already been decided.  We can pray till we lose our voice but somethings will never be changed.  Kerri made me realize that I am probably praying for the wrong things.  So I changed my prayer instead for strength. That I might be able to have strength to handle whatever life presents as a challenge to me. 

 If there is one thing I have learned from Kerri and Lewis it is that you can make a choice on how you handle the twist and turns that life throws your way. How you deal with it matters. Do you smile or throw in the towel? They lived every day filled with love of each other and love of the Savior. That example is inspiring.  Scott and I have a saying when I get a little sad over the whole cancer thing, it is "Be more like Ester, a friend battling stage 4 cancer. But we have decided to have a "Be more like Kerri" reminder for when I am just mad about my diagnosis, the kids fighting and wearing me down, and be frustrating that I get no time with Scott alone anymore.  

I am honored to know so many courageous women that have paved the path before me on the road called cancer.  Those that are still with me, those that have beat it, those that are in heaven and free from pain and sorrow, and still those that are standing at the starting line. It is a group that no one ever wants to find themselves, but once here, are amazed at the strength these women have.  One day, I hope a day very far in the future, I will get to walk up to Kerri and tell her I love her, how much her testimony of the Lord warmed my heart, and that her quiet battle gave me strength to fight my own.  God be with you till we meet again sister.  

Texas Lowry Invasion

My brother John and his family came down last week and it was so fun I never got onto the computer to blog anything, for that I apologize.  However, I am really not that sad because it meant I got to spend more time with them.  It wasn't an adventure filled visit since I had just had chemo a few days before and wasn't back to full speed yet but for me, getting to just sit with them was awesome.

I was trying really hard to wait to cut my hair until my brother and his family could be here.  But that date seemed further and further away as my hair fell out in bigger, and bigger clumps.  There was no need for them to be there but for some reason it just mentally seemed easier if I had my entire family with me.  (There is a very weird psychological component to cancer that I am still trying to get a grasp on.) So imagine my surprise when Jo and Brin walked in with a strip of pink of hair for me!  It was so unexpected and out of character for them (totally natural beauties that don't even hardly highlight or dye their hair!) . Of course Reyna is desperate to do this to her hair too now.  

Then John and Ty came in and they had both shaved their heads for me too!  Everyone in the family thought I looked like John once my head was shaved. If you check out the face swap we did with Snapchat you can have a good laugh and see that we actually look more different.  I have a huge nose and he has a cute little.  Maybe I am the milkman's baby, my geneticists always wants to confirm that my dad is really my dad after all!

The best part about having John and Jo there is that my kids get to see their kids.  Brody LOVES Tyler to infinity and beyond.  He counted the days until they got here.  Then while they were here he was glued to his side.  Brody convinced Ty to sleep in his room on a mat the entire time.  They stayed up all night long playing Fort Night, discussing Legos and Star Wars, and watching band performances on Tyler's phone.  To Brody it was like he won the lottery.  After 5 days of Tyler-immersion he had a rough time acclimating to life without him.   Thankfully we have FaceTime.  Plus I told the kids once I am well enough we are going to visit them in Texas!  

The boys also went to a Modesto Nuts with Grandpa...

I realized as I was looking for pictures to add to this post that we really didn't take very many.  Unfortunately the way chemo and cancer work is to knock you on your butt.  For me it is weeks at a time.  I'm not much fun, meaning I do an immense amount of sitting followed by an even larger amount of sleeping.  The awake moments are spent staying near a bathroom and a kitchen.  In the past three months I have left the house a total of 9 times that wasn't for the doctor.  So when I say that it was so special to have my brother and his family here, I mean it was extraordinarily sweet.  I know that they wouldn't have chose to spend their family vacation sitting inside at the table with me.  I'm boring.  That is just how it is these days.  But man, oh man, I cherished those moments.  I loved hearing my kids bug theirs.  I adored watching them all stare at some super weird sci-fi-ish show that John got them all absorbed in.

 The moments I sit and watch my family I wish I could freeze in time.  There is nothing, I mean nothing, that I would not do to have more of these moments that took place over the past week.  In my heart I know I felt this way before the diagnosis.  But now my understanding is so much greater.  I want every second to slow down.  I want all of my family with me all of the time.  I want a lot of things.  For today I am going to be happy that I got these moments, grateful that John and Jo spent their vacation with me, and thankful for every single second of each day.