pizza party

My sister came over last Friday to help me shower (duh) but also to give my kids a fun little pizza party.  Bonus was that my sister and brother are doing weight watchers and this recipe was like under 6 points for ours!  I can ask for recipe and post it if anyone might be interested, hit me up in the comments. 

It was a nice visit, I got clean and the kids ran around screaming and playing with their cousins.  These small doses of my old normal are a so dang sweet.  I love sitting there with children's laughter surrounding me.  Is there anything better than that sound?  I haven't found it. 

Am I a freaking man?!

Last night I got a grueling migraine and fell asleep at around 8 so it's no big surprise that I have been up since 4 mentally arguing with myself to go back to bed.  I am still sleeping in the recliner that my dad rushed out to buy me after the mastectomies.   No joke that chair is the most comfortable chair.  It almost makes me feel bad for refusing to allow Scott to have one in our family room for so many years.  We can all agree they aren't that pleasing to the eye, right?  Hopefully I will start to feel more comfortable with the expanders and less, I'll say, pressure when I try to lay down normal.  There is also this nagging fear that if I lay flat for to long my drains might decide to add a few more drops, and ain't no woman going to say they want that to happen.

It will be two weeks since surgery on Thursday and  basically at this point I am a man.  Let's just look at the facts:

I have no boobs.  This is a distinct characteristic of a woman.  I mean come on it is pretty much how Western Civilization defines sexuality for a woman.  And sure there are some men out there with pretty nice racks, but be honest, is that going on the sexy side of the list for a man?

I smell.  Bad.  It is creeping up to 90 here in the Central Valley which means not only do I have just dirty body funk smell, I have a nice layer of ripe BO starting to plume around me in a cloud of green smoke.  Deni has made it her mission to make sure I stay clean, and thank the Lord for her, but there is only so far a non-shower can clean you.  Something no one told me was that the drains exit your body right at your armpits leaving no way to clean them, deodorize them, or shave them.  I'll leave that smelly visual here for you to enjoy...vomit.

I have hair EVERYWHERE.  This shouldn't bother me.  Numerous times a day I remind myself that I went months without shaving during swim season so I could shave and taper for a big meet.  Literally this was for over a decade of my life and it didn't really ruffle my feathers, or should I say hair follicles then.  But now it makes me crazy.  There is one silver lining and that is that they are getting so long that they are finally soft.

I have become the secondary caregiver.  There are a ton of dad's out there that are stay at home dad's and they are great at it, so please don't let this offend anyone.  We all raise our family the way that works best for us and for my crew this is, or was, our reality.  First let me be clear that Scott is AH-MAZE-ING.  Seriously.  We have both always worked full-time in our relationship so it has been a team from day one, but there comes a point when you create a family that one parent devotes more time to raising the kids and a little less to work.  This was me.  I am very fortunate to work for my family business, George W. Lowry, Inc., and have the ability to work from home when needed.  This also allowed Scott the ability to devote a little more time to his career and that has provided beneficial because he is a rock star at what he does.  On a day to day basis I am the one to get kids ready, make lunches, get to and from school, get to all after school activities, committee to all the random volunteer requirements kids activities require, etc.  My life was just my life and I took it for granite.  The hustle and bustle of three young active kids plus work was tiresome and I admit that I complained on more than one occasion about it.  Now I am benched.  Between Scott and my mom they are doing all of it for me, except my actual job which I am trying keep up with.  I miss being there for every small setback or victory my kids have.  I miss seeing them wave a hundred times to me before they walk in the school gates.  I miss seeing their red cheeks after a really great swim practice.  I even miss the stupid fighting they do in the car for no apparent reason.  My gratitude to my mom and Scott for taking all this on for me is immeasurable, but, I miss this part of my life.

I put me first by compartmentalizing.   Men have this uncanny ability to stop thinking about something whenever they want and women are thinking about everything all the time.  It is that multi-tasking thing that a lot of women are great at and men aren't so great at.  When I am at work I get my work done but I am still thinking about Brody wondering if that mean kid is going to make another comment that sends him home sad asking why he has no friends.  My mind never shuts off and Scott can turn it off at any time.  It makes me crazy!  Cancer has a way of forcing you to get real tough, real fast.  This was a hard pill swallow.  I'm a mom, I HAVE to take care of my babies, I NEED to worry about them, I WANT to see everything they are doing.  Plus I have a job to do.  Bills need to be paid, commitments have to be met, there are obligations people!

Men are great.  I love my man!  But I do not want to become one.  Sure, these are gross generalizations that are born from stereotypes (which I teach in my Human Communication class not to utilize) but when you are woman, that is proud to be a woman, these things pretty much suck.

**Update I also have been wearing Scotty's button up shirts.  They are so much easier to get on and hide the bulging drains attached to my tank top.  So add that to the list....

physical therapy for noobs (NO BOOBS)

Losing two appendages should feel like a weight has been lifted off your chest, literally.  But when you are like me who started out with almost no breast from years of swimming the excitement to "get" breast after having children was exhilarating!  Now it would seem I am back to where I started in the boob department where less is more but my muscles are weaker.  The irony is that now I have to attend an actual physical therapy course to relearn how to move since all of my breast tissue has been removed.  In theory this sounds like it shouldn't be that big a deal but after a week of not being able to move my arm higher than my elbow I understand how weak I have become.

On Thursday I found myself with my trusty sidekick on this adventure, my mom, venturing into the land of No Boob Land herein to be referred to as "noob".  There is a ton of stuff I have to learn or relearn to do between now and reconstruction.  Nestled in between this is going to be chemotherapy and additional injections to slow me down.  Gone are the days of me fitting a workout in the morning and possibly after work.  I looked at my yoga mat and weights pushed to the corner the other day with the knowledge that we wouldn't be hanging out for quite some time...I'm not going to lie, this hurts my heart as it seems that around corner I find myself with another  "thing" I can't do.  My list is getting longer by the day; be a mom, go to work, make a meal, wash a dish, push down the soap dispenser, open a bottle of water, pull my pants up, get myself dressed.   I'll stop there since this list could go on for many, many pages. 

So there we sat, my mom and I, in a class for women with breast cancer that have had a lumpectomy or mastectomy.  On one side of the room were three woman; a 73 year old with a lumpectomy, a 67 year old with a lumpectomy, and a 60 year old that had a double mastectomy.  On the other side of the room was my mom and me.  As we sat through the presentation listing all the things we couldn't do, shouldn't do, and the exercises we needed to start doing I felt more and more alone.  I know that women my age aren't your typical breast cancer patients but sitting there listening to these woman, my mother's age and older was making me mad.  They were expressing their disgust and shock at having some how been the lucky one to get cancer when they had their entire lives in front of them.  The three went on to list reasons they shouldn't have been the "one" to get the disease. 

I couldn't talk.  I literally said about five words the entire time.  I was furious.  Here across the table from me were three woman who had seen their children grow up, met their grandchildren, retired.  All I could do was compare them to me and think how wrong they were.  When we left the class I told my mom I was surely going to hell because I was so upset.  It's on me that I felt the way I did.  Those women were thinking the same thing I thought when I found out I had cancer.  Unfortunately this is the reality of getting a disease that can kill you. 

celebration

When you get results like mine you are required to celebrate.  In a world where sugar feeds cancer and more food is genetically modified and altered than isn't, I wasn't sure exactly how or what this celebration was going to look like.  As I was trying to figure out what we could do the doorbell rang.  On my doorstep was a big white box from Oregon.  I assumed that it was something from one of Scott's friends and left it on the table until my dad came home and asked what I got.  Shocked I opened the container and inside was a sweet message from my friend Miranda and her husband James and tightly contained underneath dry ice was 5 containers of Salt & Straw ice cream.   I have never had that, nor is it anywhere near Manteca, but I do know it has no added sugar and they use all natural products.  So the decision was made for me!!

There was a feeding frenzy after dinner that night.  It was scary how fast the kids, my parents, Scott and I tried them all.  It was also a super special gift like pretty much every gift Miranda has given me over the almost 30 years of friendship we have had.  

  

Pathology Report is back and it is AMAZING NEWS!

I just got off the phone with my surgeon where she informed me that the pathology results were ALL CLEAR!  To be specific the lymph node biopsy was negative and all clear of cancer.  NO LYMPH NODE INVOLVEMENT.  I also had clear margins on all sides of the mastectomy and no cancer in my right breast.  

There was great concern that I would not have clear margins around the largest tumor because it was very close to the skin.  Due to this we were prepared for the margins to come back with cancer, and ultimately, radiation would be needed.  This is what I had prepared myself for after the surgeon had explained her concerns to me.  But, some how, we  received the outcome we were praying for.   

Although this news is fantastic there is a stark reality tucked inside it.  The largest tumor was 2.7cm which is over one inch.  The second tumor was 0.6cm which is approximately about the size of an eraser on the end of a pencil.  Inside my left breast was multi-focal DCIS (the first stages of cancer) throughout the entirety of my breast with lobular involvement throughout.  It also was focal vascular invasive.  My cancer nurse explained that if we had not been able to do the surgery as quickly as we had my results would be much worse than what I was given today.  Bottom line is the cancer was spreading, and spreading fast.  I am very lucky that surgery was able to happen as quickly as it had and not waited the average 2-3 weeks. 

My staging will stay at stage II, this is based on the size of the largest tumor.  The next step at this point is for me to meet with my oncologist.  I scheduled that appointment for a phone interview tomorrow.  We will get a preliminary plan started then while I start to mentally prepare for my next battle to conquer.  I will still need chemotherapy and herceptin for a minimum of a year because I have HER2+ cancer and again that is the most aggressive form.  To answer the question, yes I will be losing my hair.  Everyone asks that question first for some reason.  It's just hair and I am not worried about it so please don't any of you worry about it either!

As I sit here and type this post I can't stop crying.  In my heart I had prepared for the worst.  I knew all the outcomes and I wanted to be ready for it.  Each outcome was going to be so much harder on me but in the end my little family, my parents, and siblings.  I have been praying harder, and more frequently, than any other time in my life to give me the strength to endure whatever it was.  And now I am in shock that the news was the best that I could have received.  I know it is not from my prayers alone, but from those of so many others that cared and took a minute to include me and my family in their own prayers.  I want you to all know how grateful I am to you.  It was going to take a miracle and I got it.  

It wasn't just prayers that helped get these results, it was the fact that I did self breast exams.  Until I take my last breath I will beg all women to do self breast exams.  Fear unravels inside my body when I think about the very different future I would be looking at if I had not found that lump and checked it as frequently as I had.  I know that the Lord prompted me to make Scott feel it, to schedule an appointment, and with every step I took to find the tumor(s) as fast as I did.  Please if you are reading this and are a woman, start doing self exams.  If you are a man reading this and have a significant other, start doing an exam on your partner.  If you are a mom with a daughter and she has started her period, sit down and show her how to do a self exam.  I know that this saved my life and I believe, with my entire heart, that it could save another woman too.

home away from home

The kids stayed with my mom and sisters on the Friday after my surgeries so that they could do something fun and to keep their mind off me.  Grayson (my nephew) had a spring carnival at his school so all the cousins went.  My kids refused to tell me anything that they did when they got home, only saying it was fun and that they had a surprise for me.

This surprise waited until my sisters came over to help them later that night.  Shortly before bedtime the kids locked themselves in Scott and my room.  There was a lot of laughing and loud whispering heard through the door.  One of them would pop out for more tape, clothespins, or a crayon. 

Finally after what felt like hours they came and got me....

It was adorable.  Strung across the room on twine were all kinds of art projects that the three of my kids had made.  Some of the artwork had little messages on them telling me they loved me or to get well soon.  Others were of animals or bugs they had drawn in my favorite colors.  Every where I looked were pictures they had made for me in bright, cheerful colors.  You can see in the picture that I can't even lift my arms up to hug them but I was squeezing the heck out of them in my mind. 

That night I laid back in my chair and looked up at the beautiful artwork my amazing children had created for me and the only thing I could think was that I will never, ever let cancer steal a single moment from my kids and me. 

hurry up and wait

Trying to pass the time as you wait for pathology reports sucks.  The truth is that you are only awaiting bad news.  You already have cancer, that isn't going to change, so now you await to find out how far it has stretched out in your body.  My family, especially my sisters and mom, have made it their mission in life to keep me clean and pre-occupied.  Not for the faint of heart since I am wrapped in about 2 feet of padding, tubing, and gauze.  

Last time Deni helped me get clean we just dried my hair and left it.  This time she decided to get fancy because I have numerous doctor appointments this week.  

It was a pretty legit spa treatment.  Lex brought us lunch to eat while I got my hair done.  As Deni was working she kept saying, "the curls need to be really tight", or "we need more hairspray so it sets for a few days", and my favorite, "only finger comb the curls!"  I was nervous....

I think her inspiration was the Texas Lowry's due to the big hair concept that I pulled off nicely in this picture with Greenley.  

Fluffy hair aside the bath was awesome and this time I was even able to rub lotion on my legs.  It is the little things that excite me these days.  I will start physical therapy on Thursday that is specifically for bi-lateral mastectomy patients. I am actually looking forward to the class.  It is really hard going from lifting weights 5 days ago to needing help dispensing soap to wash my hands.  The smallest things I need help with and I would like to start gaining back my weight as soon as I can.