Chemosabe is a bitch

One down, five to go.

Sorry for the language but it's the truth.  Chemosabe is never going to be my BFF, if anything the relationship will be more "frenemy" than friend.  But most relationships, good or bad, have a specific reason for existing.  With Chemosabe and me its a mutual effort to keep me alive for a long, long time.  By keeping that in mind I am pretty much willing to put up with a whole hell of a lot.

As I said in the last post Chemo was scheduled for Friday.  I was a bit nervous and had done lots of research to find out all the things I might need during the infusion.  This resulted in us looking like we were heading to a swim meet instead of an appointment for me to sit on my butt for over 5 hours.  The nurses all got a good laugh out of Scott being my pack mule when they brought us in and they teased us about being obvious first timers.  In my defense when I am unsure I tend to over prepare, it's a solid coping mechanism.  

The actual infusion was pretty painless.  I have my port so that made it easy.  The hardest part was seeing how many patients were there getting treatment.  It was a revolving door of infusions for people with cancer and I was the youngest one in that room.  Facing the drastic age difference at each appointment is really hard for me to get a handle on.  Part of me is grateful I got cancer while I am young because I have youth in my favor, at least that is what the doctors keep telling me.  The other part of me knows that the reality is I could have a shorter life than I have ever imagined possible because Cancer is a sneaky bastard.  

My first treatment I knew was going to be long and during that time I had 4 roommates.  I'm a friendly sort and was a little bummed that none of my roomies were chatty.  But then they were there for an hour or less and I was in for the long haul.   We started off with Herceptin, the medicine I will be getting for a full year.  That had to be administered over almost two hours.  Out of the three medicines in my cocktail H is way less toxic.  It was pretty obvious how much less toxic it was when the nurse went to put my next medicine in the IV and had to be dressed in an additional apron and extra thick gloves before she could even touch the bag that the medicine was stored in.  The additional two medicines, "T" and "C", the nurses had to get all dolled up to administer.  So yeah, that is scary.  They get numerous trappings to protect them and I get it shot straight into my veins.

During the first treatment the biggest concern is allergic reaction so I had to be observed for a little while. I seemed to be okay so we got booted out after almost 5 hours.  The only thing I remember feeling during all the infusions was cold.  When I got home all I remember thinking was how incredibly tired I was from sitting on my tush all day!  I slept a lot Friday.  Honestly I don't even know if I ate anything for dinner?   But so far no vomit or diarrhea.  OH FUN FACT!  Once you get a chemo infusion they ask that you flush the toilet two times for 48 hours to make sure that all the toxins that came out of your body are completely gone from the toilet...chemosabe is one hard bitch to flush out.

Saturday I was exhausted, (this will be a common theme as I am typing this on day 6 and still feel just as tired as day 1), had serious stomach cramps, my head was pounding, and my face was on fire.  I was able to eat and drink fine this day.  Then Sunday arrived.  Sunday I woke up with my face, neck and chest burning.  When I looked in the mirror I had a rash covering each of those areas.  It was bad to my eye.  My face still looks like I hit puberty in the worst way.  There are too many red bumps to count and some are hive like.  NOT.  FUN.  I told Scott I would rather vomit than have all these painful bumps on my face with a constant burning sensation.  We called advice nurse because it's a holiday weekend and they suggested taking Zyrtec during the day and Benadryl at night.  In case you are wondering, that combination is not doing a damn thing.  

From Sunday to Monday I had the same side effects; exhaustion, stomach cramps, face burning,  rash, head itching, and then diarrhea and nose bleeds decided to make an entrance.  Thankfully (I guess) it wasn't like the movies portray it but still not a walk in the park.  Tuesday morning I woke up at around 3 am ready to rip my stomach out the nausea was so bad.  My mom and Scott wanted to take me to the ER because, according to them, I looked like I was dead and moaning like a zombie.   I popped one of my anti-nausea pills and fell asleep for three hours.  Once I woke up I felt pretty normal.  Thank the Lord for modern day medicine and the minds that have studied and researched to create it.  

Today is day 6 post chemo and I sort of feel like myself minus the rash and burning sensation.    I am really hoping that I can get something stronger for the rash.  Seems dumb but I think that is the hardest side effect.  My face, neck and chest are just killing me.  Hopefully before the next infusion my doctor and I will be able to come up with a new medicine to help prevent that reaction.  Then again if that is the harshest side effect I should count myself pretty darn lucky.  I will keep my fingers crossed that the flu symptoms stay light, I do not get any mouth sores, and I am able to keep eating.  

My friends, Megan and Jodie, gave me this shirt the day before chemo and I felt it was pretty appropriate for my first infusion.  If I have learned anything over the past 6 weeks it is that my body is not complete.  There is so much work to be done, both inside and outside, but in the end I pray my body will be healthy and healed.  I know that I will never look the same, or be the me I used to know, but I will be alive.  For the time being "under construction" seems to be right about where I am in this process.

Thursday May 24

This day will forever be remembered as the day that I got to shower.

It has to be the way that heaven feels, there is absolutely no other way I can think to describe it. 

It was better than getting the drains removed. 

I might go shower again before I get in bed just because I can!

That is all folks.

Chemosabe

It would seem that I will be introduced to my new best friend tomorrow, chemo therapy, affectionately referred to from here on out as Chemosabe.  As with most friendships there will be ups and downs, days we are best friends and inseparable, followed by days filled with curse words and death wishes.  Since it is a forced friendship I have some apprehension about it.  Everyone knows it's easier to become friends naturally and on your own schedule than when your mom says you have to be friends with that person....

My treatment plan is 6 rounds, every 3 weeks.  At the end of 6 I stick to just one medicine for a year every 3 weeks. No one really knows how they are going to respond to the cocktail but I am thinking it'll be something like this;

Essentially a bit like Animal House!  I'm hoping that I will be one of the lucky ladies that Chemosabe treats kindly but only time will tell.  I would just ask that you don't text me numerous times asking how I am.  Please don't bypass me and ask my family members how I am either.  It's not going to be pretty but I will be fine.  The hardest part is the emotional component involved with this for not only me but my family as well.  For some people the random texts asking how they are might be helpful.  I am not that woman.  My battle is fought in my head and once I am finished processing and ready to tell the world I will.  You've probably noticed I don't update the blog daily yet.  It takes me a minute to process all the F'd up crap that I am dealing with.  One month ago I was a healthy, vibrant working mom that ran, lifted weights, attended everything for my kids, and so much more.  Today I am so far from that person it is comical.

When I am feeling up to it I will get on here and let you know.  If you want to send me a text that says, "hope you feel less like your insides are on fire and more like your kid woke up 5x last night..thinking of you." COOL!  Just please no message multiple times a day or phone calls numerous times because I can't pick up.  I love you, I am so grateful for the support, but sometimes I just need me time.  I've got this and I am blessed to be surrounded by people that are holding me up.  Three cheers that Chemosabe will kick cancer the F out of my body.

Long Gone

Accepting that I am in control of my life is long gone these days and trying to understand why I got the cancer card pulled would be a full time job that I am unqualified to take on.  My focus has shifted to what I am in control of, and though it isn't much, it is empowering to grasp onto. 

My Hair. 

I am in control of when my hair officially comes off.  My brother, John, told me about a woman he knew that upon receiving her breast cancer diagnosis buzzed her hair off.  When he asked why, she explained her desire to have power and control over her life.  It is such a simple answer that is laced in the most intricate of emotions and details.  Every day I look in the mirror and the physical manifestation of the woman I am is changing and those changes are out of my hands.  The bottom line is that these changes are not things I would pick, except to prolong and save my life. 

Cutting my hair last week was the first step, or what I have been calling, PHASE ONE.  These days everything is a trilogy so I decided to jump on board.  Yesterday was PHASE TWO.  Originally I wanted to cut my hair super short.  The kids and Scott nixed that.  I was ready but they weren't (it makes me shake my head that cutting and losing my hair makes them nervous but chopping off my boobs has not phased them).  Anxious to get PHASE TWO moving my mom got me an appointment with her hair lady, Heather. 

My mom is a beautiful woman with skinny little chicken legs (I did NOT get), sea foam blue green eyes (another thing I did NOT get), and big ol' honking boobs (yeah I did NOT get those either).  One thing my mom does not have is thick hair (I'm okay with not getting that one!) so Heather assumed I had my mom's hair type when she booked my haircut.  I always say my dad is either a beautiful man or I am a handsome woman because we are the exact replica of each other in the opposite gender.  Thanks for the hair though dad it's super thick and has volume for days!  Hoping that I wouldn't end up with my dads exact haircut we opted for a pixie and this is what we came up with....

Now I look like my grandma who rocked the pixie, aka boy cut, as long as I can remember.  The haircut that Heather thought would only be about a half an hour took almost 2.  She even texted my mom this picture with the caption, "Just a little trim, right...she has enough hair for two people!"

Would I have chose to chop it all off into this style, probably not.  Am I in love with it, not today.  It's a reminder that I am sick and no where close to being at the end of this.  But the glass can either be half empty or half full and I will always choose half full.  Even if I might not want to have cancer, I might not want to have no breasts, I might not want to have to lose my hair, and heaven knows I DO NOT WANT to be unable to shower, but it is what it is and I will laugh and rock this till the end.

Long Hair DO Care

The other day while perusing Pinterest I came across this quote, "Invest in your hair, it is the crown you never take off."  I think unconsciously that is how I have always viewed my hair.  Those lucky few that have known me for decades know that I am not afraid to experiment with different hair length and styles.  When I was swimming and (forced) to run in college I chopped it all off.  I couldn't spend time doing my hair I needed to practice and study!  But those days are long gone and I have sorta fallen in love with having longer hair.  It is easier to do because my waves and volume needed little assistance at a longer length.  Now, looming around the corner is chemo, and my hair will be making a rapid exit. 

I have done a lot of research and consulted with numerous pink sisters that have traveled down this road with young kids over the past few weeks.  The consensus is kids handle their mom losing her hair in steps versus one big drastic chop.  My kids are most concerned about me losing my hair which is understandable as it is the most visible change to them.  With that in my mind I really want to try to make this next step in my treatment as painless as possible for the. 

Scotty and I talked with the kids about me cutting my hair.  We all looked online at pictures and decided what everyone liked.  Emery decided she wanted to cut and donate her hair with me so I made us an appointment. 

We made it a bit of a family affair with my mom, Brody and Reyna coming with us to cut Emery's.  My hairstylist, Jenny, and I have been together for over 5 years now and I adore her.

Emery cut almost 12 inches off.  It was officially her first big hair cut.  Up to this point we had only done trims so the hair cut really made her look like a big girl, which she is, but oh vey when did my baby grow up?!

Up next was me...I thought I was ready and I have said "it's just hair, who cares?!" about a hundred times but in that moment I was stupid sad.  I looked in that mirror and all I could think was, "this is it, the last time I will look in the mirror and look like me.  The last time I will look like the woman I have come to love staring back at me in the mirror."  There are some really irrational thoughts going through your mind AND IT IS JUST HAIR!  

Jenny and I cried a little bit together as she tied it in sections so I could donate it and then it was over. 

In the end I think I had around 11 inches to donate.  All in all Emmy and I are going to send enough hair to hopefully make a fabulous wig for someone with cancer.  There is some heartwarming tingles knowing that.  

Breast cancer is funny because it really strips you of all womanly feeling.  I have lost my breasts.  I will lose the hair on my head, probably eyebrows and eyelashes too, the medicine will most likely put me into early menopause...I don't feel like myself, I don't look like myself, and I am mentally challenged to remind myself that even though it doesn't look like it or feel like it I am still me.   I think I have said something like this before.  The harsh reality is that it is true and not something that people talk about because HELLO, it's cancer!  But I guess I wasn't prepared for this portion of the head game. 

As frustrating as it is the little things like Emmy deciding to chop off a chunk of her hair to donate with me are magical.  Then my sister(in-law but that is a total technicality) Lu surprised me on Sunday debuting her new hair that is chopped and shaved underneath in support of me.  She says she will go shorter every time I cut mine.   Lu is just crazy and I can't believe that she did this!  Here I am bellyaching about cutting mine and she goes and buzzes hers!  I am a very lucky girl to have the support that I do and I am so, so, so grateful for my family they are one in a million, no trillion.

Sliced and Diced

Second bandage change happened last week and the nurse that did it was nice enough to snap me a picture to keep. 

According to the nurse it looks "gorgeous".  These are the type of compliments I get these days!  I'm no medical expert, closer to a science experiment, but that picture just looks icky.  I am so much more bruised from this tiny little surgery.  Plus here we are close to two weeks later and I am bruised outside my bandage something ridiculous.  Apparently I am a cluster when it comes to the small stuff but a champion at major surgeries, who knew.

My last bandage change is this Thursday and if everything looks good I will be given the official go ahead to SHOWER!!!!!  That will be exactly one month from my mastectomy surgeries.  Is it wrong to ask you to pray that this will happen?  I'm going with no, God is merciful and wants us clean in spirit and mind....and BODY, right????

Just Put a Port In It

Prior to cancer I had only had two surgeries; right breast lumpectomy and tonsils removed.  Since April 7th, my diagnosis date, I have had 5 mammograms, 2 ultrasounds, 2 breast biopsies, 1 sentinel node biopsy and let me just say it included 4 radioactive nipple juice injections (holy moly ouch), bilateral mastectomy, breast reconstruction expansion, and port installation surgery.  That means in less than one month I have had more surgeries than I did in 36 years.  If you reflect on that it's a little impressive and I feel like I should get an award or something.

 Overall the port surgery was the easiest out of all I have had in the past month.  It helped that the team of surgeons, doctors, nurses, and radiologist that worked with me that day were certifiably crazy.  I have never had so much fun before, during, and even after a procedure.  They were teasing each other, dancing to mariachi music and something from the 50's, followed by a little gansta' rap that all were singning.  My memories of this day just make me chuckle.  It was so fun I begged all of them to come back together in a year and do the removal surgery for me, keeping my fingers crossed they will.

That's the picture I sent to Scott after I got home.  You will notice I still have my sexy camisole on that holds my drains.  The nurses were a bit freaked out when I showed up with my drains and cut out boobs still healing.  But after much discussion all was good and the surgery went off without a hitch.  My nurse told me he was a virgin when it came to doing surgery on a chick that had just had her breast chopped off.  He was in the military and deployed 4 times so he thought he'd seen it all.  I told him I was happy to be his first.

I was more sore after this surgery than the others, probably because I still have nerves in that location unlike the mastectomy where they all had to be removed.  One of the things I was not prepared for was the stinging sensation that accompanies the catheter being inserted into the vein.  That is no joke a nasty feeling.  Thankfully it took about two days to go away and then wasn't noticeable.

For this surgery I have to go back multiple times to get bandages changed and for my team to make sure everything is healing how it should.  Earlier this week I got the first set of bandages removed.  Again a picture I took to send to Scotty.  I should probably start attempting to take better pictures since I am posting on here, no promises, but I will try!  If you look above my shirt on the right side you can see a small wound that is healing.  This is the location that they cut to install the catheter into my vein.  It was still bruised but gets to breath leaving me with one less bandage, you can see my excitement.  For the next week I go back to get my bandages changed over the port location, it is the white bandage peeking out of my shirt in that picture.  Once that bandage is officially removed, hopefully by next Thursday, I will be one step closer to taking a full fledged shower.

First Reveal

Cancer is hard.  Really hard.  It literally changes every aspect and corner of your life.  With breast cancer it changes your physical appearance and for me, it drastically did, and at warp speed.   There was no option except to remove my entire breast because of the sheer size and number of my tumors.  Ironically the cysts I had removed 20 years ago in my right breast where able to be removed and every doctor that did a breast exam would comment on how "cute" my scar was across my nipple line.  That nipple and it's partner on the left are now gone forever because there is a higher chance of recurrence if you keep your nipples.

All this talk of boobs and nipples is to get you ready for what is below.  SO, listen, I am just going to apologize in advance, but there is some lady out there that just found out she has breast cancer and the only option is to remove her breast.  As with any illness you head to the internet and that is why I decided to post a picture of my NOOBS after surgery. 

If you don't want to look just skip this post.  It took me 2 weeks to finally look down at my chest so don't feel bad!  If you do look that is fine too.  If you are chick just diagnosed and hoping to understand just what in the hell is going to happen, look, a lot, and enlarge the picture.  Here goes....

 
My incisions are not mirror images because of where my largest tumor was located.  That tumor was especially close to my skin so the incision had to take that into consideration.  You might notice that I'm not flat as a board up above.  That's because I chose to do immediately reconstruction which means I left my mastectomy surgery with expanders in that had some saline solution inside them.   I told Scott that this part of my journey will be like him watching me go through puberty as my NOOBS grow with each fill.  There are just way too many exciting things to look forward to!!   

Mama Mia

I know every mother thinks they won the jackpot with their kids, but I actually did win the jackpot with my kids.  If there was one thing I could change about having cancer it is the changed reality my children are having to live with.  There childhood changed in an instant, enter mom guilt, because of me.  Up until that moment I had done everything in power to prevent them from growing up to quickly and in an instant that was gone.  There was a lot of trepidation about how they were going to react to the  news by Scott and I.  Thankfully our kids are incredible.  They immediately got on Amazon and loaded the cart with all  the breast cancer paraphernalia they liked.  We are know bathed in pink cancer fighting shirts, wrapped in bracelets supporting the cause, and constantly looking for new breast cancer items.  The sweetest pick they had was shirts to wear for me.  All I ever wanted to be was a mom, and I am even more thankful this Mother's Day for my children.  

I like to think of myself as a great mom but when I compare myself to my mom, I would kick it down to good.  My mom is someone I always considered my best friend.  Between school and swimming I didn't really have many close friends so she was it.  Growing up with a large family (3 brothers, 2 sisters) I watched how hard she worked to get things done around the house, run kids to activities, and be there for each of us in our own way.  She was exhausting to watch and because of that I tried my hardest to do more.  Around the age of 8 or 9 I started doing a nightly turn down service to my parents bed where I would lay notes and candy on the pillows.  I had no idea how to make things easier for her but had a desire to do something to show her...now decades later I am back in my parents house and relying on her endless devotion to help me get better.  Over the past few weeks she has become my nurse, picked up the slack on all my mothering duties for my kids, become a shoulder for my husband, and so much more.  I can't imagine standing at the start of this race without her by my side.  Saying I love her does not do justice to the level of emotion I have for her.  It is a love that is so much more.  I will forever be grateful that I got her as my mom.  SHE.  IS.  THE.  BEST.

  

T.G.I.W.

Thank God it's the weekend! 

My week was crazy.  You know I used to say that all the time before cancer.  I would be tired from life and everything that gets piled up on you as a working mom with little kids.  Now I know that I was a stupid ignorant idiot.  I had no idea what that statement meant.  So moving forward I try to really reflect on what the hell is actually going on and put it in perspective. 

This was a crazy week.

Monday I had to rush like mad to get caught up on my Lowry work so I didn't hold up the billing process for all my co-workers.  This was no small feat because I totally suck and I am behind on my paperwork.   Sitting at a computer doesn't sound tiring, and before cancer it never was, but I was exhausted after that.  Pretty sure all I did once I finished was sleep...

Tuesday we met with my oncologist.  Scotty, my mom, and I all smashed into a little room where for the first time in this process I got to keep my clothes on (really I'm so used to my boobs needing to be on display that I had to ask the nurse if she was certain I didn't need to get naked).  I have a great oncologist who is super calm and very confident in our treatment plan.  Keep in mind that I am young for cancer, which seems stupid to say as you and I both know people younger than my 37 who have cancer, and that my tumors were the highest grade.  Also I am HER2+.  This all combines to be the most aggressive type of breast cancer and because of my age we need to be more aggressive in dealing with it than say, a 60 year old woman with a similar diagnosis. 

With all of this factored in I will need 6 rounds of chemo in combination with a year of Herceptin.    We all asked a lot of questions to be better prepared, but bottom line, chemo sucks.  The only thing we know for sure is that my hair will fall out but beyond that it will be a waiting game to see how I respond.  As for Herceptin there are way less side effects aside for one big one that can effect my heart.  I will need a baseline EKG and then follow up EKG's throughout the year to monitor it.  Fingers crossed the heart side effect decides to take mercy on me and NEVER SHOW UP.

There was also discussion about doing the treatments directly into my vein in my arm or getting a chest port.  Every medical person I have met since being diagnosed has said, "you're young, it'll be fine".  So no shock when the doc said "you're young, with good veins, direct IV should be fine."  But I was skeptical because I've done some research and know that lots of not so great things can happen to your veins having chemo this way.  It doesn't help that once you have lymph nodes removed you can not have blood draws or blood pressure taken on the side that the nodes were removed essentially leaving me with only one arm to do all the treatments in.  We left shortly after that with an appointment for my baseline EKG and a tentative start date for chemo at the end of May. 

The entire way home I kept thinking about the vein infusion versus the port.  My friend Jamie had breast cancer at 27, while pregnant, she's a fierce warrior let me tell you, so she has given me pretty spectacular advice.  At her recommendation I joined the Young Survivor Coalition.  It is a nonprofit organization that connects women under 40 diagnosed with breast cancer all over the world.  For me it has been a life saver.  With the method of receiving chemo bothering me so much I sent out a message to my fellow sisters and asked for advice.  In under a half an hour I had over 122 messages offering me what worked best for them.  Out of those 122 only 7 did not recommend getting the port, and those 7 did not need as much treatment as I (they had a different form of breast cancer).  Needless to say I emailed my ONC and explained that I felt a port was a safer choice for how long I was going to need treatment. 

Wednesday was a great day.  Prior to my diagnosis Scott and I had put our house up for sale.  Over the past four years we have been trying to move to Ripon.  We have actively tried to purchase numerous homes but get turned down because we don't have a million dollars in cold hard cash, or we have a contingent home sale, or we didn't put down over 50% cash, the list goes on and on and on.  Ripon is where the kids swim and play water polo.  It is also where they have made the most amazing friends, real friends that care about them.  What should seem like a very easy thing to do, move to another town, has proven to be near impossible for us in Ripon. 

Everyone wants to live there.  It is a small town, with people centered around family and faith, where safety is number one, and kindness is knocking at it's door.  Over the past year my kids have unfortunately found very little of those qualities in the "friends" they have school.  I know there are people that I have shared very personal stories with about specific things that have taken place, and I don't want to share them publicly, but Scott and I felt that for our children's safety we had to remove them from the environment they were in at their school.  This all meant that getting to Ripon had to be priority number one so we put our house on the market March 30th at around 10p.m. and it was sold by morning...I found out I had cancer the following Friday, April 6th. 

Our original plan was to sell our house essentially to eliminate our offer being rejected because we had a contingent home sale, also to allow us to offer more money down in hopes of getting someone to sell us their house.  We never dreamed it would sell so fast, or with a 30 day close.   But God gave me the best parents on this Earth who rearranged their entire house so my family could move in.  I know they are hoping we will not find a home to buy till I am 100% cancer free and 20 pounds heavier (my mom's main goal in life).

So, on Wednesday we signed all the documents to close on our house and officially have it sold!  Fingers crossed this means that God is paving the way to the next home for our family.  Oh and Emmy got her bands changed on her braces...she picked every shade of pink to support her mama, XO!

Thursday I headed to the hospital at 6 am to have my port installation surgery.  Look at this point I look like Frankenstein.  I am missing boobs.  There are cuts on both sides of my chests.  I have tubes coming out of my armpits for the drains.  I can't shower so I still have orange iodine from the mastectomy surgery on me plus all the blue marks from the plastic surgeon criss-crossed on me.  Basically I am a hot mess but it was worth it to see all the nurses surround my bed trying to figure out what to do with me for the port surgery.  They were trying to be so nice and not expose my body to 7 different nurses at once as they discussed how to keep my drains out of the way, blood from getting all over me, keep my incisions safe.  It was a long discussion.  In the end the doctor came in and put everyone at ease with a game plan. 

I was awake for the procedure and I am glad I was.  The team that did the operation was hilarious.  I loved them!  I tried to convince them to all come back in a year or so when I am cancer free and can have the port removed.  No joke I will keep that in my prayers and hope it happens.

Friday I saw my Plastic Surgeon, who I have decided is my best friend.   How could he not be when he is going to make me LOOK like a woman again?  In hopes that the drains would come out I did what any nervous but desperate woman would do, I wore white pants to the appointment.  All women know if you want your period to start you where white pants.  Well I figured same principle applies here.  Those drains aren't pushing out clear liquid people! Guess what, it did work and I am now drain free.  Please everyone reading this touch your armpits, move your arm up and down, back and forth.  Now stick a marble in your armpit and squeeze it there as you try to move your arm up and down, back and forth.  Do it for 2 weeks.  Oh and then remember that I am missing over half my chest so I have no upper body strength at this time.  The things I have taken for granted is a list that is getting immeasurable.  

pizza party

My sister came over last Friday to help me shower (duh) but also to give my kids a fun little pizza party.  Bonus was that my sister and brother are doing weight watchers and this recipe was like under 6 points for ours!  I can ask for recipe and post it if anyone might be interested, hit me up in the comments. 

It was a nice visit, I got clean and the kids ran around screaming and playing with their cousins.  These small doses of my old normal are a so dang sweet.  I love sitting there with children's laughter surrounding me.  Is there anything better than that sound?  I haven't found it. 

Am I a freaking man?!

Last night I got a grueling migraine and fell asleep at around 8 so it's no big surprise that I have been up since 4 mentally arguing with myself to go back to bed.  I am still sleeping in the recliner that my dad rushed out to buy me after the mastectomies.   No joke that chair is the most comfortable chair.  It almost makes me feel bad for refusing to allow Scott to have one in our family room for so many years.  We can all agree they aren't that pleasing to the eye, right?  Hopefully I will start to feel more comfortable with the expanders and less, I'll say, pressure when I try to lay down normal.  There is also this nagging fear that if I lay flat for to long my drains might decide to add a few more drops, and ain't no woman going to say they want that to happen.

It will be two weeks since surgery on Thursday and  basically at this point I am a man.  Let's just look at the facts:

I have no boobs.  This is a distinct characteristic of a woman.  I mean come on it is pretty much how Western Civilization defines sexuality for a woman.  And sure there are some men out there with pretty nice racks, but be honest, is that going on the sexy side of the list for a man?

I smell.  Bad.  It is creeping up to 90 here in the Central Valley which means not only do I have just dirty body funk smell, I have a nice layer of ripe BO starting to plume around me in a cloud of green smoke.  Deni has made it her mission to make sure I stay clean, and thank the Lord for her, but there is only so far a non-shower can clean you.  Something no one told me was that the drains exit your body right at your armpits leaving no way to clean them, deodorize them, or shave them.  I'll leave that smelly visual here for you to enjoy...vomit.

I have hair EVERYWHERE.  This shouldn't bother me.  Numerous times a day I remind myself that I went months without shaving during swim season so I could shave and taper for a big meet.  Literally this was for over a decade of my life and it didn't really ruffle my feathers, or should I say hair follicles then.  But now it makes me crazy.  There is one silver lining and that is that they are getting so long that they are finally soft.

I have become the secondary caregiver.  There are a ton of dad's out there that are stay at home dad's and they are great at it, so please don't let this offend anyone.  We all raise our family the way that works best for us and for my crew this is, or was, our reality.  First let me be clear that Scott is AH-MAZE-ING.  Seriously.  We have both always worked full-time in our relationship so it has been a team from day one, but there comes a point when you create a family that one parent devotes more time to raising the kids and a little less to work.  This was me.  I am very fortunate to work for my family business, George W. Lowry, Inc., and have the ability to work from home when needed.  This also allowed Scott the ability to devote a little more time to his career and that has provided beneficial because he is a rock star at what he does.  On a day to day basis I am the one to get kids ready, make lunches, get to and from school, get to all after school activities, committee to all the random volunteer requirements kids activities require, etc.  My life was just my life and I took it for granite.  The hustle and bustle of three young active kids plus work was tiresome and I admit that I complained on more than one occasion about it.  Now I am benched.  Between Scott and my mom they are doing all of it for me, except my actual job which I am trying keep up with.  I miss being there for every small setback or victory my kids have.  I miss seeing them wave a hundred times to me before they walk in the school gates.  I miss seeing their red cheeks after a really great swim practice.  I even miss the stupid fighting they do in the car for no apparent reason.  My gratitude to my mom and Scott for taking all this on for me is immeasurable, but, I miss this part of my life.

I put me first by compartmentalizing.   Men have this uncanny ability to stop thinking about something whenever they want and women are thinking about everything all the time.  It is that multi-tasking thing that a lot of women are great at and men aren't so great at.  When I am at work I get my work done but I am still thinking about Brody wondering if that mean kid is going to make another comment that sends him home sad asking why he has no friends.  My mind never shuts off and Scott can turn it off at any time.  It makes me crazy!  Cancer has a way of forcing you to get real tough, real fast.  This was a hard pill swallow.  I'm a mom, I HAVE to take care of my babies, I NEED to worry about them, I WANT to see everything they are doing.  Plus I have a job to do.  Bills need to be paid, commitments have to be met, there are obligations people!

Men are great.  I love my man!  But I do not want to become one.  Sure, these are gross generalizations that are born from stereotypes (which I teach in my Human Communication class not to utilize) but when you are woman, that is proud to be a woman, these things pretty much suck.

**Update I also have been wearing Scotty's button up shirts.  They are so much easier to get on and hide the bulging drains attached to my tank top.  So add that to the list....

physical therapy for noobs (NO BOOBS)

Losing two appendages should feel like a weight has been lifted off your chest, literally.  But when you are like me who started out with almost no breast from years of swimming the excitement to "get" breast after having children was exhilarating!  Now it would seem I am back to where I started in the boob department where less is more but my muscles are weaker.  The irony is that now I have to attend an actual physical therapy course to relearn how to move since all of my breast tissue has been removed.  In theory this sounds like it shouldn't be that big a deal but after a week of not being able to move my arm higher than my elbow I understand how weak I have become.

On Thursday I found myself with my trusty sidekick on this adventure, my mom, venturing into the land of No Boob Land herein to be referred to as "noob".  There is a ton of stuff I have to learn or relearn to do between now and reconstruction.  Nestled in between this is going to be chemotherapy and additional injections to slow me down.  Gone are the days of me fitting a workout in the morning and possibly after work.  I looked at my yoga mat and weights pushed to the corner the other day with the knowledge that we wouldn't be hanging out for quite some time...I'm not going to lie, this hurts my heart as it seems that around corner I find myself with another  "thing" I can't do.  My list is getting longer by the day; be a mom, go to work, make a meal, wash a dish, push down the soap dispenser, open a bottle of water, pull my pants up, get myself dressed.   I'll stop there since this list could go on for many, many pages. 

So there we sat, my mom and I, in a class for women with breast cancer that have had a lumpectomy or mastectomy.  On one side of the room were three woman; a 73 year old with a lumpectomy, a 67 year old with a lumpectomy, and a 60 year old that had a double mastectomy.  On the other side of the room was my mom and me.  As we sat through the presentation listing all the things we couldn't do, shouldn't do, and the exercises we needed to start doing I felt more and more alone.  I know that women my age aren't your typical breast cancer patients but sitting there listening to these woman, my mother's age and older was making me mad.  They were expressing their disgust and shock at having some how been the lucky one to get cancer when they had their entire lives in front of them.  The three went on to list reasons they shouldn't have been the "one" to get the disease. 

I couldn't talk.  I literally said about five words the entire time.  I was furious.  Here across the table from me were three woman who had seen their children grow up, met their grandchildren, retired.  All I could do was compare them to me and think how wrong they were.  When we left the class I told my mom I was surely going to hell because I was so upset.  It's on me that I felt the way I did.  Those women were thinking the same thing I thought when I found out I had cancer.  Unfortunately this is the reality of getting a disease that can kill you. 

celebration

When you get results like mine you are required to celebrate.  In a world where sugar feeds cancer and more food is genetically modified and altered than isn't, I wasn't sure exactly how or what this celebration was going to look like.  As I was trying to figure out what we could do the doorbell rang.  On my doorstep was a big white box from Oregon.  I assumed that it was something from one of Scott's friends and left it on the table until my dad came home and asked what I got.  Shocked I opened the container and inside was a sweet message from my friend Miranda and her husband James and tightly contained underneath dry ice was 5 containers of Salt & Straw ice cream.   I have never had that, nor is it anywhere near Manteca, but I do know it has no added sugar and they use all natural products.  So the decision was made for me!!

There was a feeding frenzy after dinner that night.  It was scary how fast the kids, my parents, Scott and I tried them all.  It was also a super special gift like pretty much every gift Miranda has given me over the almost 30 years of friendship we have had.  

  

Pathology Report is back and it is AMAZING NEWS!

I just got off the phone with my surgeon where she informed me that the pathology results were ALL CLEAR!  To be specific the lymph node biopsy was negative and all clear of cancer.  NO LYMPH NODE INVOLVEMENT.  I also had clear margins on all sides of the mastectomy and no cancer in my right breast.  

There was great concern that I would not have clear margins around the largest tumor because it was very close to the skin.  Due to this we were prepared for the margins to come back with cancer, and ultimately, radiation would be needed.  This is what I had prepared myself for after the surgeon had explained her concerns to me.  But, some how, we  received the outcome we were praying for.   

Although this news is fantastic there is a stark reality tucked inside it.  The largest tumor was 2.7cm which is over one inch.  The second tumor was 0.6cm which is approximately about the size of an eraser on the end of a pencil.  Inside my left breast was multi-focal DCIS (the first stages of cancer) throughout the entirety of my breast with lobular involvement throughout.  It also was focal vascular invasive.  My cancer nurse explained that if we had not been able to do the surgery as quickly as we had my results would be much worse than what I was given today.  Bottom line is the cancer was spreading, and spreading fast.  I am very lucky that surgery was able to happen as quickly as it had and not waited the average 2-3 weeks. 

My staging will stay at stage II, this is based on the size of the largest tumor.  The next step at this point is for me to meet with my oncologist.  I scheduled that appointment for a phone interview tomorrow.  We will get a preliminary plan started then while I start to mentally prepare for my next battle to conquer.  I will still need chemotherapy and herceptin for a minimum of a year because I have HER2+ cancer and again that is the most aggressive form.  To answer the question, yes I will be losing my hair.  Everyone asks that question first for some reason.  It's just hair and I am not worried about it so please don't any of you worry about it either!

As I sit here and type this post I can't stop crying.  In my heart I had prepared for the worst.  I knew all the outcomes and I wanted to be ready for it.  Each outcome was going to be so much harder on me but in the end my little family, my parents, and siblings.  I have been praying harder, and more frequently, than any other time in my life to give me the strength to endure whatever it was.  And now I am in shock that the news was the best that I could have received.  I know it is not from my prayers alone, but from those of so many others that cared and took a minute to include me and my family in their own prayers.  I want you to all know how grateful I am to you.  It was going to take a miracle and I got it.  

It wasn't just prayers that helped get these results, it was the fact that I did self breast exams.  Until I take my last breath I will beg all women to do self breast exams.  Fear unravels inside my body when I think about the very different future I would be looking at if I had not found that lump and checked it as frequently as I had.  I know that the Lord prompted me to make Scott feel it, to schedule an appointment, and with every step I took to find the tumor(s) as fast as I did.  Please if you are reading this and are a woman, start doing self exams.  If you are a man reading this and have a significant other, start doing an exam on your partner.  If you are a mom with a daughter and she has started her period, sit down and show her how to do a self exam.  I know that this saved my life and I believe, with my entire heart, that it could save another woman too.

home away from home

The kids stayed with my mom and sisters on the Friday after my surgeries so that they could do something fun and to keep their mind off me.  Grayson (my nephew) had a spring carnival at his school so all the cousins went.  My kids refused to tell me anything that they did when they got home, only saying it was fun and that they had a surprise for me.

This surprise waited until my sisters came over to help them later that night.  Shortly before bedtime the kids locked themselves in Scott and my room.  There was a lot of laughing and loud whispering heard through the door.  One of them would pop out for more tape, clothespins, or a crayon. 

Finally after what felt like hours they came and got me....

It was adorable.  Strung across the room on twine were all kinds of art projects that the three of my kids had made.  Some of the artwork had little messages on them telling me they loved me or to get well soon.  Others were of animals or bugs they had drawn in my favorite colors.  Every where I looked were pictures they had made for me in bright, cheerful colors.  You can see in the picture that I can't even lift my arms up to hug them but I was squeezing the heck out of them in my mind. 

That night I laid back in my chair and looked up at the beautiful artwork my amazing children had created for me and the only thing I could think was that I will never, ever let cancer steal a single moment from my kids and me. 

hurry up and wait

Trying to pass the time as you wait for pathology reports sucks.  The truth is that you are only awaiting bad news.  You already have cancer, that isn't going to change, so now you await to find out how far it has stretched out in your body.  My family, especially my sisters and mom, have made it their mission in life to keep me clean and pre-occupied.  Not for the faint of heart since I am wrapped in about 2 feet of padding, tubing, and gauze.  

Last time Deni helped me get clean we just dried my hair and left it.  This time she decided to get fancy because I have numerous doctor appointments this week.  

It was a pretty legit spa treatment.  Lex brought us lunch to eat while I got my hair done.  As Deni was working she kept saying, "the curls need to be really tight", or "we need more hairspray so it sets for a few days", and my favorite, "only finger comb the curls!"  I was nervous....

I think her inspiration was the Texas Lowry's due to the big hair concept that I pulled off nicely in this picture with Greenley.  

Fluffy hair aside the bath was awesome and this time I was even able to rub lotion on my legs.  It is the little things that excite me these days.  I will start physical therapy on Thursday that is specifically for bi-lateral mastectomy patients. I am actually looking forward to the class.  It is really hard going from lifting weights 5 days ago to needing help dispensing soap to wash my hands.  The smallest things I need help with and I would like to start gaining back my weight as soon as I can.